First official week. DONE.

*phew*

I haven’t written in a little while and I apologize for that.  At the start, I told myself that I should document my journey through the MBA – for myself and for others (potentially). I liked the idea of being able to look back and read my mental growth. Based on what everyone else has told me (the current MBA students), everyone starts off feeling uncertain about themselves and their abilities, but eventually they grow into it. I’m hoping that truly is the case, b/c I’m sure feeling uncertain about everything.

It’s officially been a week since the program started. I’ve been here for about 3 weeks now (I took the preparatory knowledge course in econ, accounting, and quantitative analysis) and every day my opinion of the program (and of myself) changes.

Some days I’m feeling on top of the world. No one can bring me down or tell me that I don’t belong here. Hell, I am fierce and I am a leader. Even if I don’t know the econ stuff or the accounting stuff, I’ve got something you can’t teach in a classroom – I’ve got leadership abilities.

Other days, I feel like an impostor. I sit in my seat (at the front row, no less) and I desperately try to catch the wave that everyone else seems to be surfing on. Instead, I feel like I am failing constantly and getting a face full of seawater.

To be honest, I guess this is expected. Everyone has told me that the entire process is like a roller coaster. What do you do when you’re strapped into the coaster? I guess hold on and try your best to enjoy it… or at least survive it so that you can look back on it and laugh at yourself.

At the moment, I’m still struggling to make friends and get to know people. Oddly enough, this is the biggest piece that follows me around all day. I feel lonely and it takes my attention away from feeling unprepared or like a failure… It’s oddly comforting, I guess.

If I had to liken the experience to anything, it’s like being in kindergarten on the first day and hoping that you get to find at least one person that will be your friend. I want to say that I’ve had the chance to make friends, but I’m not entirely sure. Making friends and being sociable as an adult is a lot more difficult… It’s a whole new ballpark.

I don’t know what it is with me that makes me feel like I NEED to have people like me. But I do. I need people to like me, and when they don’t… it bums me out like nothing else (not even ECON bums me out as hard!).

In particular, I have a working group that I am TRYING to break down. I’m trying to get everyone to be friendly with each other and open up, because these are the people I’m going to be spending every single day with for the next 9 weeks. I’m going to have to trust them and get them to trust me. So far, it’s taken some time (a week haha), but I’ve gotten almost everyone sort of bought in. I’ve got one hold out and … I don’t know.

James tells me all the time that it’s not important. As long as you can trust him to an extent (like trust him to do his part), that’s all you need. But it hurts, in a weird way. It hurts that I can’t get along with him on a personal level, especially since we apparently have a lot in common.

I think the issue is that I made up my mind about him early on and I was flat out wrong. I wish I could address it with him directly, but if I’m wrong and he has no idea that I’ve made this wrong impression, it’ll just give him more reason to dislike me. It bothers me that the guy can cut lose with other people and then just shuts me out. I’m trying so hard to be everyone’s friend and I think he thinks it’s disingenuous, but it’s not. I just really want people to like me.

I think my best bet is to hang back and give him time to chill. Maybe come off a little less spastic. Fuck, being an adult and making friends is fucking hard as fuck.

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