My cat is gone today

I don’t know what to say.

Last night I stayed over at J’s house and today, when I got back at 8 am, my mom was in a tizzy because the cat had thrown up, pooped, and was not able to walk. He seemed lethargic and like he was in pain.

We ended up taking him to an emergency vet hospital, where they said he was likely suffering from acute renal trauma. Rascal as always had kidney problems, diabetes and a heart murmur, so it wasn’t really surprising.

After discussing with my parents for about 3 hours, we decided that any further treatment would just end up putting Rascal through more pain and even then, the doctor’s weren’t sure that he’d make it through the night nor that he’d even be back to where he was prior to the incident.

We got a few minutes to say goodbye and I wanted so badly to change my mind or take it back. He was swaddled in a blanket and not moving much, but his eyes were open and I think he recognized us. I hope he did. When mom got up to throw something out, Rascal peeked is head over to see her. I tried to calm him down, but he wasn’t purring. He didn’t look like he was ready to go, just tired. He never would have let me hold him like that though if he wasn’t in a lot of pain/exhausted.

I held him in my arms as it happened. It was awful… he looked tired and then he looked scared when the doctor injected the first medication to sleep.

I’m really going to miss him. I don’t want to forget what type of cat he was. He was an absolutely fantastic pet. He never bit (unless he was just fed up with you), never scratched furniture, was as bright as a bulb and was just … the best pet you could ask for. He learned tricks and caught on to things so quickly (like that one time he peed in the shower when my dad forgot to bring the litter box back in).

I’m going to miss catching him snoozing all over the house, or letting him out in the backyard. I’m going to miss snuggling with him, even though he hated it. I’m going to miss tossing him over my shoulder, like only I could. Or giving him neck massages until he purred. I also never want to forget how much of a pig he was … but also how much of a little warrior he was. He was still catching voles up until today.

I don’t know what to do with myself now that I know we’ll never find him curled up in a ball at the bottom of the stairs. I’m going to miss being able to scratch his nose or watch him sleep. Just yesterday he was sleeping on the kitchen chairs while I was baking. He looked so peaceful and I remember thinking, “this is nice… I could get used to life at this speed”. I never thought he was going to pass away… I always thought and planned to take him with J and I when we moved out. I even figured that if we got a new kitten, Rascal would have to learn to get along with it.

A few years ago when he was dealing with bloody urine, I remember talking to him and asking him to tell me before it was his time. To let me know… he didn’t. This came suddenly out of the blue for me… though maybe I wasn’t listening or watching hard enough. I’m sorry for that. I feel like I’ve failed him. Maybe if we caught it earlier this or last week he’d be okay. Or maybe we’d just be prolonging the inevitable.

I really hope Rascal knew how much we loved him and I hope that he was okay when he went. I know he must have been scared, but I hope that at least he was comfortable..

I thought this post would be so much longer. That there would be more to say or more to reminisce over. Maybe I’m too sad to write it all, but I want to so I don’t forget how special he was. I don’t think I’ll ever find another cat as cute, warm, smart, clever, annoying, hungry or as much of a family member as Rascal. Even mom said that we will never find as good  of a cat as Rascal. He was so good… So smart and such a unique personality.

What am I going to do without him?

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