And today is Sunday.
I spent the full weekend with J. and my friends. The topic of me being unemployed came up maybe just one time and it was quick.
But I thought about it a lot. And it made me really sad for a while… The best way I could come up with to describe the whole feeling was like this:
The last few years that I was working at PASC, it felt like I was running faster than my legs could carry me. I was always afraid of running out of momentum and stumbling over my feet; then the whole world would crash down on me. All my sins would catch up with me.
Even these last couple of weeks of training felt the same way. I was so busy running around and just doing things that I didn’t realize that I was running towards the cliff until I had fallen off it entirely.
Well, not yet, I guess. At the moment it still feels like the weekend, so that feeling of falling hasn’t quite hit me yet. I’m scared how hard it’ll hit me tomorrow, though. Or maybe it won’t hit me tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and it’ll just feel like I’ve called in sick or like a long weekend. Maybe it won’t hit me until next week. Or if I’m lucky, maybe it won’t hit me at all.
The truth is though, it’s probably good that it hits me … and hard. Otherwise, I’m scared I won’t be motivated to get a new job or a new life. That I’ll just get stuck in a rut of crying to myself or moping around.
J. is trying to be as supportive as ever. He’s really pushing me (pretty damn hard) to set up a schedule of activities to keep me busy. He’s trying to really sell it as ‘FUN-employment,’ but I’m devastated. I feel like a failure; like I wasn’t strong enough or big enough to keep my job.
Anyways, I’ll be updating this more often likely. I’ve got nothing else to do.