So, I left.

Eh…. I feel kinda badly for not updating this too much, but I’ve been writing in my physical journal a lot more, so I don’t feel that badly. I’m not exactly sure why I need two journals going simultaneously. I mean if I ever want to look back, it would be hard to really figure out what was happening to me for the past couple of years b/c I’ve split my attention between two things. Eh. I should just stick to WordPress, I think.

Anyways, I’ve got some big updates, as usual:

I left my job. Well, technically I’m still here. I’m actually sitting in the Family Room writing this on the work laptop. I gotta remember to wipe it clean of my digital fingerprints afterwards too haha. But yes, I am quitting. I gave notice about a month ago and I have just 2 weeks left. This and next week and then I’m done.

What is my plan for after? Well, shit, I don’t have one. I know it’s scary… I mean, I’m scared right now thinking about it. Every once in a while I’ll start freaking out and J. has to talk me down off the ledge, so to speak. My emotions are a bit all over the place; sometimes I want to run back to my boss and take back my resignation, other days I’m thinking about just not showing up to work anymore.

Sorry, I got sidetracked. What am I doing after? Well, I don’t have another job lined up, if that’s you’re wondering. I had started looking and applying seriously for work in January, but nothing came of it. I didn’t get a single call back or interview, so at the time I thought I’d just tough it out at work while I kept looking… but then things got worse. Work just became more and more stressful. Things /w one client became so stressful, that I’d go home and cry all evening b/c I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I was so frustrated that there was no light at the end of the tunnel and that all I could imagine was living through this hell for the rest of my life.

J. was really concerned about me at this time and for a while, was really pushing me to find another job to jump into. After some time though, he realized that I was in such a miserable place that it would be better for me to leave first. It may have also had something to do with me breaking down and crying in front of my boss and my staff (on two separate occasions) while at work.

So, we decided that I’d look into work for a few months and if nothing came of it, I could work on my GMAT and take the MBA near the end of the year/start of next year. J. has been reassuring me that the MBA will open many more doors for me, but I’m a little nervous.

I’m worried that the MBA will open doors to the wrong paths and that I’m walking away from the opportunity to do something that may be more up my alley. Something that I can throw myself into heart and soul…

Lately, I’ve been practicing calligraphy, watercolour, etc. I’ve been really getting in touch with my crafty side and I love it… I wonder if there’s a way I can market this. Part of the reason is b/c I’ve seen one of my friend’s friend (A’s friend P) make a small business out of her sewing. For god’s sake, she just sews baby bibs and small pouches, but she’s stocking stores across the province! I’m pretty impressed… Then again, she has a day job still as a project coordinator.

The thing is, this whole experience makes me really question who I am and what really drives me or motivates me. It makes me question what my meaning is. As in, what brings meaning to my life and what drives me. I think I put a lot of weight into my job giving me meaning and defining my life. It shouldn’t though… I just don’t know how else to define myself and it is the easiest way to define someone, isn’t it? He’s a doctor. She’s a teacher, etc.

Who am I? I’m not really sure anymore. I know I like crafty things and it makes me feel alive. Creating things with my hands just … wakes me up! I will gladly work on my projects until the wee hours of the morning and it’s actually fun. Tedious tasks are actually a lot of fun and take all of my focus. It’s also something I’m willing to learn.

I also know I like to teach. I like to be an expert in something and then share that knowledge with people. It’s probably b/c I am a bossy bossy butt :).

Other than those 2 things, I’m not sure what else I want to do… I don’t think it’s very safe or feasible to make a career out of selling crafts. Someone once told me that it’s better to make a career or business on something that can sell itself; it’s hard to make a business on something that is reliant upon your talent. It’s limited by your ability to make time to create something… but if you invest in a product that will make itself money, say writing a book, then the money will always be made for you while you can work on another project.

Maybe I just need to write a book about my awful dating experiences, if only I can remember them.

– L

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