I have many doubts.
To be completely honest, I’m not sure how I feel about J. I like spending time with him and he makes me laugh, but in a pinch… I’m not sure if I can tell him everything.
For example, I’m struggling a lot with my parents lately. Living with them continuously for the past 27 years has left me very drained. I can’t do it anymore, simply put. The thing is, J. knows this and yet… nothing. I mean, he tries to listen to me but that’s all he can do, apparently.
At one point this year, I decided that the only solution was to move out. I had made the assumption that J. would move with me. I don’t know if I should have made that assumption, because now… I don’t think he will. I mean he says he will, but I know he’s comfortable at home.
Here’s the other thing too. He hasn’t taken any initiative to help me find a place and has basically put it as this, “if you want to move out you should. I’ll move in with you,” meaning essentially that he doesn’t care one way or another. Aka. he doesn’t really want to live with me – he can do with or without it.
Well, shit. Why the fuck am I here then? I’m with someone who can either live with or without me, then what’s the whole fucking point?
I know if I say anything, I’m over-thinking it. If I say anything, I’m the irrational one. He’s always got some sort of rational, logical response for things that to me, are irrational and illogical… like feelings.
I’m starting to feel that he’s with me because I’m a cool chick and why not. “Why not just settle down with this one. I mean, she’s sorta funny and she’s easy enough on the eyes. We don’t always agree and she sometimes annoys me, but it’s alright. I can learn to live with that.”
Honestly, right now I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m hurt.
And best part is that he hasn’t had to say a single thing to make me feel like shit. Why am I here again?