Feelings or People?

I know I wrote about this in my physical journal, but I’d like to have this on WordPress for some reason too. I think, it’s just kind of the logical thing. I’m not entirely sure why… It’s just a feeling.

So, my post was about a revelation. I’ve had a revelation about my relationships and about my feelings.

  1. R. = Sad. Fantasy/Movie plots. You know how sometimes you feel like watching a movie that makes you reach for the tissue box because it’s just so tragic but oh so good? Like the Notebook (that one doesn’t really do it for me though). Or like 500 Days of Summer? That’s what R. was is to me. It’s a love story that is only a story because of the tragic nature.

If you could sum people or relationships up as emotions, he would be sadness. Everything about the time I shared with him was tinged with sadness. Every memory is coloured blue. I look back and I think fondly of him, but I also feel that sadness still. And the funny thing? It’s addictive. It totally is. That’s why for the longest time I was still wallowing in the ‘break-up’. There’s something that appeals to the dramatic in me.

I still sometimes look back at it. Just like sometimes you want to play a sad movie and cry a little for no reason. Every once in a while, I’ll pop that VHS video of our memories in and I’ll watch it in my head. I’ll think about what it was like to be loved by someone I barely knew. I’ll think about our Romeo and Juliette romance. And then the movie will end, I will get up off the couch and I’ll continue on with my life. I’ll forget the plot again, until I get the urge to pop that VHS video back in.

2. J. = Happiness. Reality. J feels like something different altogether. It’s like I’m watching a cute romance comedy, where two strangers become to lovers. It’s the type of movie that I want to watch regularly and that I always watch. It is my norm.

J. is happiness. J. is About Time. J. is my favourite romance movie that I will watch over and over. It is filled with brightness, colour, and hope. People are happy. The heroine gets her man and vice versa. Things are how they should be. J. is how it should be and I know it.

I don’t want to only sometimes enjoy this movie. I love this movie and I want to watch it over and over again. You can say it’s my favourite movie. If the sad romance stories are addictive, then the happy ones are like air. It’s more than addictive. It’s sustaining.

I’m not sure if I’m honestly making all that much sense in this post. I just wanted to encapsulate my feelings on the matter. I wanted to say that when I think about it, the story with R. was very dramatic. Very sad. Very much the things tragic romances are written about. It affects me deeply and I’m sure it has changed who I am and how I approach life. He came around at a time in my life when I was sad. When the sadness and depression was pervasive and overwhelming. At the time I thought he helped lift it, but I realize that I was drawn to him and him to I because of it. We were like moths attracted to each other’s sadness. We floated around each other and thought that we were helping pull each other out, but now I realize that we were just holding on to each other while still drowning. Sometimes I still look back at it, but that’s because we’re all a little sad sometimes.

But that’s the key. We’re sad sometimesNo one wants to be sad forever. I want to be happy the majority of the time. A drowning man isn’t going to say no to the hand that reaches down to pull him out of the water, even if he has someone to keep him company while drowning.

J. was my rescuer. He pulled me out of the water, wrapped my heart up in a warm blanket and given me nourishment. He isn’t going to let me keep drowning or say that it’s okay to drown. He’s going to boink me on the head with the oar and say, “look, you’re drowning. Don’t be a dolt and grab on to the oar,”.

It sounds like my story with R. is so much more dramatic and epic than my story with J. And you know what? It is. It is because that’s what stories are. Stories aren’t written about people who have everything going right for them. Where there is no conflict or struggle. There’s no stories about JUST the happily ever after. It’s only about HOW they got to the happily ever after.

J. is my happily ever after and I couldn’t be happier.

– L.


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