On a really unrelated note, I figured out how to write a blog entry on my ipad without the damned thing freaking out on me and saving after every 5 seconds (see previous post). Basically, I have to view entries, then start a new one from that window. Confusing (and unnecessary). What the heck WordPress? Get on your app!

So, J and I had a bit of a tiff. I’ve been looking for a condo for the past year or so. So far, nothing has really come up that I liked, but the reality is that things are supposed to only get better with the drop in the economy right now. Oh, maybe I should start that. I live in a city that has built itself up on only one resource and right now, the price of that resource is plummetting and taking our economy with it. No worries, my job is mostly secure (I hope) and so is J’s.

Anyways, back to the story. I’ve been looking for a condo for the past year or so, mostly because I need to move out. I feel like a lot of the arguments and fights I have with  my parents are because we have been in each other’s faces for the past  27 years. It’s just too much. I had been looking for a place prior to meeting J. and told him after we started dating, that I was still looking. The first time I brought it up, he was a little saddened, because I said I wanted to move in on my own first. I think he wanted to move in together. The plan had always been that I’d buy a place on my own and that he’d be free to move into it when we (I?) were ready.

Things changed recently… I’m not sure why. A couple of days ago, I made an appointment to meet with my realtor to check out a few places that had been up on the market for about a month. From the pictures, you really can’t tell much, so I had hoped to get a view of what the place looked like. At this point, I wasn’t taking the house hunting all too seriously, because I had been sorely disappointed by the last group of houses I was shown. Nothing was really liveable.

J. ended up coming with me to see the places and we immediately fell in love with one condo in an up-and-coming neighbourhood. It’s an infill condo in a building that was built in the 1980s. But man, it is a good price. It’s only 315,000$ and condo fees are a nice cheap 118$! I’ve never seen condo fees that low before. Anyways,  it was pretty much exactly what I had dreamed of getting for the price too! Nice new granite kitchen, big bathroom, good amount of storage, underground parking (no elevator though!), two decent sized bedrooms, etc. etc. etc. It was great! J. thought the same thign too…

Until the next day. He started crunching the numbers and sent me a spreadsheet in the morning indicating just how expensive it would be and how, basically, I couldn’t afford it. To be honest, I was pissed at him. I was angry that he did that behind my back. I was angry at the way he talked to me … it felt like he was talking down to me and chastising me for going after a place I couldn’t afford. To me, buying a place is more than just finding a place to live. It’s more than just buying a place too. My parents had never really given me a space that was truly my own. My room? Well, I’m not allowed to lock the door and they are welcomed to come in whenever the hell they want. There have been so many incidences where my mother has walked in on me half naked (or even fully naked). This house would have been something that was my own. I can make the rules. I can cook in my own damn kitchen. I don’t have to listen to my mother scold me or nag at me about cleaning the place up (not that I wouldn’t keep it clean). It also meant responsibility and finally growing up. Finally being an adult.

So, when J. started talking down to me like a parent talking down to a child, I guess I got pretty angry and then I got pretty upset when I realized that he was right, I couldn’t afford it. It felt like I worked so hard to be mature and to be an adult, that it didn’t seem to matter. How hard I worked at work and how much I tried didn’t matter. I wouldn’t be able to buy a decent place and it seeemd like no matter how hard I tried, I would never be able to buy a decent place.

By the end of the day though, I calmed down. We talked about the idea of buying a place together and how with our combined incomes, it would be more than affordable. That scared me, to be honest. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because I also talked to Lily and she made it clear what she thought – you should only buy a place if you’re able to afford it on your own. A part of me agrees with her and knows where she’s coming from. It’s logical. But, the other side of me thinks, “she hasn’t been in love” and, “she doesn’t know that we are already pretty much committed to being togther.” I guess that’s a side story, but she is also starting to piss me off. She acts like she is the vestibule of all knowledge and logic, but the reality is that she isn’t. Her judgement is clouded by emotions too, just like anyone else. She likes to think that she and Maggie are always so … I dunno. Clever? Better off than others? Look, I know Lily is smart, but that doesn’t mean her life advice is always on point. Sometimes she gets it wrong. Sometimes I look at the way she treats a situation and I’m like, “damn, Lily… You really fucked that one up”.

Yesterday, I also had dinner with Eleanor, Dianna and Priscilla after work. Eleanor got back from finishing her  PhD. so she called a meeting. I’m not sure how I feel about her either. Priscilla and I talked about it in detail when I drove her to get her car up north. We also talked about the situation with J. and the house buying. See, Priscilla’s opinion and judgement on life situations… That one, I trust. Partly, because she’s experienced a lot first hand, and partly because she’s open minded and truly doesn’t judge anyone. With Lily and Maggie, all I feel is their judgement. They constantly judge other people to a standard that they hold true for their own lives. That doesn’t mean that standard applies to other people. I’m glad that they’ve found each other and that their values are so similar, but I don’t think that gives them the right to pass judgement on other people.

Sorry, I’m getting side-tracked. Back to the original story. I talked to Priscilla last night about the J. thing. She said she didn’t think it was weird that the two of us wanted to buy a place togheter. She thought it was worth taking the risk, and I agreed with her. That’s the whole point of life… you take risks. Sometimes they don’t pan out and other times they lead you to an amazing journey or story. That’s what I want my life to be… a collection of stories. Some stories are happy and funny. Others are going to be sad. The more risks you take… the more turns your life’s journey will make and the more chances you will see some exciting stuff on the way to your destination.

Anywayas, I think I want to take that plunge with J. I am planning to talk to him tonight about the idea of buying that place together. I think it may be a change in his original plan, but it might be a nice change. He said he’d be happy to be a home owner by the time he was 30 and that maybe it made sense  to get a starter home first. Especially if we can afford to pay it off in about 5 years time. That would give us 2 properties, potentially. I think the only thing that frightens me about this plan, is the commitment it means I have to make to him. If he were to leave, I couldn’t afford that place on my own, not unless I got a much better paying job

While it’s easy to say that you’re committed to someone… it’s really only when you’re asked to show that commitment that it becomes … real. I feel like I do want to be with him for a long time, if not forever. I feel like we are a good match and I feel like I really do truly love him. I know he’s an amazing catch and I know that he really truly loves me without any doubts. I just worry about my doubts getting in the way of something good. I worry that I’ll let my hesitations or my desire for a fairytale (albeit unrealistic) relationship to cloud my judgement and that I’ll throw away this real relationship to chase a dream.

Oh man. What do I do?

– L.


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