I know, I know. It’s so unusual to see me write up a post two days in a row! What a treat! I promise you, it’s really not.
I’m not sure what the purpose of this blog is. The thing I struggle most with, is content. I’m not sure what I should be sharing here and what I shouldn’t. In some sense, I can’t seem to find my voice, as ironic as that is. Sometimes I treat this place like a journal – just for my own eyes. That resulted in the very angry and very swear-filled post regarding my lost phone (which ended up not being lost – don’t know if I ever bothered to mention that). Other times, I’m accutely aware that someone out in the big wide web might just stumble onto this little space of mine. On those days, I write more cohesively and honestly, more professionally. I use my big words on those days :).
The reason I bring this up, is because there are some posts here that I thihnk are so well written and so defining of my character/personality, that I’d like to share them with a select few. Namely, with J. Maybe with some other friends. The problem though, is the existence of those unfiltered brain fart posts (that’s if farts swore). The other problem is that the majority of this blog is currently filled with sad, longing posts about a long lost romance.
A part of me wants to delete the past, so that I can share this with J. Is that telling of my mindset too? Delete the memories of R to make room for J? That’s only one thought though. The other part of me, the part that is winning out now, thinks that it’s important to keep those old posts. Why? Sure, they’re hard to read and they bring back memories that I’d sometimes rather forget. However, they’re a document to the struggle and the realness of my existence. I was hurt. I was hurt badly. And, I think it shaped who I am now.
I look back on those old posts and I sometimes think, “oh my god, if only you knew what would happen to you.” I sometimes feel sorry for her. Other times, I feel angry at her. But, overall… when I read it from start to finish, I get it. I see it. I see that it was all like steps towards the right direction. Sure you stepped in poop and maybe took a dunk in surprisingly deep puddle, but it got you where you are right now. I should be grateful for that.
I’m not saying that right now I am where I need to be. I think I’m still growing and still moving. I’m happy that I’m in a relationship with J, but I know there’s so much more to achieve. There’s still some changes that need to happen in my life. I still need to grow up and I still need to find a job I love. I’m still not sure what I’m doing, but I’m certain that I’m closer today than I was a year ago, especially now that I have a partner to support me through it.
So, in summation, what do I do? Should I share this with J? Should I maybe not? He caught sight of my WordPress when we set up my PC (did I mention he helped me build a PC?? He’s the best). He said, “oh, I didn’t know you had a WordPress,” and I immediately yelled, “DON’T READ IT!”. He kind of laughed and said, “okay I won’t.”
I don’t want to hurt him with all these posts that are seemingly devoted to R. I also don’t want him to think that I was obsessed with R. (okay I may have been), or that I’d leave him for R. if I had the chance to. J., I’m telling you right now that I won’t. I’d take your hand in mine, look him straight in the eyes and tell him to EFF THE EFF OFF. I want J. to realize that yes, right now the majority of the posts are devoted to R. But that’s because he’s my past… My future posts will be filled with J. Even the posts that aren’t seemingly about J. are only there because of his presence. He’s brought a sense of peace and calmness to my life that has let me be … okay.
I guess I’m also worried that J. will take all this stuff that I’ve written and maybe see a different side of me. Not that it’s inaccurate; these are all my words, after all. I just worry that he’ll take it out of context. For me, it’s so clear that I’ve grown. I look back at my old posts and I see growth there. But, from an outsider’s view, will they see that too? I’m not sure. I’m worried he’ll see the nasty side of me. The side of me that is angry at my friends. That swears without any restraint. That is cruel in thought. While a part of me knows he kind of figured this out already, it doesn’t mean I want him to see actual proof of my callousness.
I don’t know. I just really want to share everything about myself with him. That’s just what I do. I don’t think it’s something that he feels comfortable doing or needs to do, but for me… it is a part of wanting to prove to someone that I love them. That I want them to know all of me and that there’s nothing I’m going to hide about myself. I don’t want him getting into a relationship with someone he thinks he doesn’t know. I want him to know upfront what he’s getting involved with. Honesty, yo, it’s the key.
Oh WordPress, give me a sign!