Little doubts like little spots.

So I mentioned doubts in my last post. I still have them, even after all this time. I’m not sure if it’s normal or not. I doubt a lot.

When Jay and I first met, we thought we were very similar. On the surface, sure… we are. Our families are very similar – he comes from an Asian background, but is quite white-washed. He likes the same type of music I do. He likes video games and movies and music and concerts, etc. He likes to stay in, but sometimes he likes to party hard (yay!).

But the more time that I started to spend with Jay, the more I started to notice subtle, but important, differences. For example, I am a talker. I hadn’t realized how much I like conversation and how important it was for me until recently. Just around the time when you start feeling comfortable with someone. Just around the time when you start feeling like you really know someone; because that’s just around the time he stopped asking me questions about myself.

I also find talking to him to be trying. I have to think about it. Or, alternatively… I don’t. Either we’re acting kind of childish or we’re having a really mature adult conversation that requires a lot of brain power, that honestly… becomes more like a debate than a fun conversation.

Sure we spend a lot of time together, but sometimes… it’s just him playing video games and me sitting quietly on my own, on my cellphone or finding something else to pass the time. We Facetime almost daily, but same thing happens… I end up watching him game and do my own thing while he games. He doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t ask me questions… Sometimes I will talk and tell a story, and he kind of just seems… uninterested. It’s honestly a little disheartening.

I also don’t know how to talk to him about that without hurting his feelings. I try to subtly bring it up by saying things like, “we’re really different hey? I like to talk and you don’t really” and he just follows up with a “yeah, I  guess so”.

He’s also very motivated and has strong will-power. I’m very lazy and my will-power is non-existent for things that I don’t enjoy. This usually includes fitness. Since we started dating, I’ve put on like 10 pounds and Jay has put on about the same. However, he’s been actively working out to try and lose the belly. I, on the other hand, haven’t been taking it as seriously (aka. I’m not doing shit). I mean, I’m trying to watch my diet, but I’m really not doing much physical activity. So, I guess he pushes me to workout and it’s starting to cause me to resent him. It’s also gotten to the point where he’ll say things like, “I want you to be healthy and lose the weight so we can be together for a looonggg time”. I know he means it. I know he’s not saying I’m fat… I know he actually wants to see me well and healthy. But, I can’t help but feel that he also wants to shape me into the type of girlfriend that he’s proud to have around – someone that is fashionable and skinny/well-endowed in the right areas.

The thing that bothers me the most though, is that silence. I’m not used to it. He doesn’t talk much… and it seems like he’s satisfied to just have me in his presence. He’s very much like a cat – he wants you nearby, but he doesn’t necessarily want you petting him or talking to him or playing with him. I’m very much like a dog – I’m full of energy and I want to play and have attention and pets and pets and squirrel.

How do a cat and a dog stay in love?

-L

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