Direction

I was pretty nasty and angry in my last post, I see. That’s unfortunate. 

Last month was pretty rough. I was going through some changes at work. Higher expectations were placed on me and I was worried that I wasn’t meeting the requirements. There’s been a lot of change at work now that we took on an Administrative Assistant. She’s cracking the whip, that’s for sure. It’s not a bad thing though… it means I’m actually keeping pretty engaged at the workplace. The only downfall is that I’m always worried about not really getting along with my coworkers. I’m also still worried that I’m not living up to the expectations of my job… that I’m not as good at  it as someone else may be. I guess I’m worried they’ll find out I’m not a good fit and want to let me go 😦 

Outside of that, last month was also the 1 year mark. It has now been a year and a month that I haven’t spoken to R. It’s tough. It certainly doesn’t feel like a year ago, b/c I still think of him regularly. I still sometimes think of a future where we are still at least friendly. It’s sad. It’s sad to see a friendship disappear with no traces of it after a year. I am still blaming myself for the lost of the friendship, even though now I have the good sense to realize that it wasn’t all me. That it’s not entirely my fault… maybe it’s no one’s fault and it was just the way things turned out. I am glad to say that I don’t cry much; there’s just nothing to cry about. I keep telling myself, “he’s really not coming back this time,” and so far it’s proven to be true. If that’s the case then what’s the point of crying? He’s not going to hear me; he’s not going to come back because of that and it certainly wouldn’t change anything in regards to his feelings towards me. It just serves to make me sad. 

That being said, it’s not like my life is all hunky dorey now. Just yesterday I had a pretty nasty spell of self-loathing and pity. The only nice thing about it is that I can at least see that the solution is not as simple as R coming back and solving all my problems. That’s just unrealistic and truly unhealthy. No one but me has the power to change my world. It’s my responsibility. 

What else? Well, I’m second guessing dodgeball. That one pops up b/c last week L. didn’t show up and I felt more isolated than ever. NO ONE on that team talks to me except for T and A, but they’re always late. I don’t know why that is. Maybe I just look like a bitch or something, but I know I have tried to socialize with them; they just don’t care to start a conversation with me. If I don’t try, they don’t bother. It’s annoying and frustrating and it leaves me feeling like the last one picked in a game of junior high dodgeball. If it’s going to leave me feeling like that, then maybe it’s not the right place for me. I don’t a social event to leave me feeling worse off, thank you very much. (I also have to pay 60$ for that experience? FUCK YOU). 

Finally, friends… I’m not sure what is going on there. It seems like everyone is annoyed or fed up with everyone else. It’s really strange. For me, these people are still relatively new, and for the most part I feel like I get along with most of them (with the exception of J and B). It’s strange to see friendships implode from the outside… I’ve only ever seen them happen in a group I’ve been intricately involved in (say high school asians?). It’s sad. These are people that have been friends since high school. They’re all taking up sides and picking up pitchforks, ready to riot against their neighbors. 

Yeah, that’s my life right now. I haven’t updated much b/c there’s nothing to update. Nothing exciting going on. No new people, no new experiences, no changes, nada. It’s left me feeling a little disheartened and disillusioned. I expressed these sentiments to Henry and he just kind of didn’t know how to deal with them. I don’t think I’ll be sharing that stuff with him again, no offense. He just doesn’t seem to know what to do with it. 

– L

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