So, a couple of big things have happened in the past month.
First of all, my father had a heart attack. He’s okay now, but it was pretty scary at the time it happened. He apparently had some angina (chest pain) earlier in the day, but it passed. Then around 7 pm as I was coming back home on Saturday night, he had some pretty severe chest pain. We called 911, but by the time they arrived it too had passed. They did do an EKG on him just to be sure. It was then the EMS told my mother that he wasn’t getting enough oxygen to his heart and that they’d have to take him into the hospital. The pain he described sounded a lot like acid reflux/ulcer pain, so my mother and I were pretty taken aback…
Anyways, he got 2 stents put into his heart DURING his heart attack, so the good news is that there wasn’t much damage to the heart. After a few days of recovery, the doctors decided to go ahead and put in another 2 stents in another artery that was pretty badly clogged. He stayed a total of a week at the hospital.
I think this is the wake up call he needs to eat and live a healthier life. He needs to take it seriously and he has never done it before. He’s never taken steps to reduce his stress or his anger levels, nor has he taken steps to lose weight. I hope this does it for him and for us as a family.
He came home yesterday and yet we still managed to have a massive fight in the evening. Things sometimes take a long time to change, I guess.
Here’s the other thing. It’s coming up on a year since I last spoke to R. I miss him again. I’m not sure why I miss him… I mean, besides the obvious reasons. I thought he was ‘the one’, as silly as that sounds now. I was very naive and very stupid. I thought that just because he liked me at the start that it would be as intense as I felt throughout the 3 years. I manipulated the things he said and used them as evidence that he cared for me more than he actually did. That was all me… That was my fault. But, I’m not naive enough to believe that it was ALL me… He played a part in it too. He did toy with my heart… and I’m still not sure if he meant to or not, but it happened and it left me totally broken inside.
The funny thing is that I have been making the effort to slowly extricate pieces of him from my life, like pieces of shattered glass from the flesh. I’ve deleted most of the pictures he’s sent. I’ve even deleted pictures I took for him, b/c they do nothing but remind me of better times we shared. I used to save our conversations, so that I could look back at them (in the hopes that if anything happened that I could say, “look at how we met!”). I’ve deleted most of those now too…
Except one. I have his story he wrote to me saved somewhere in my phone. I also found the Skype chat log from 2011… around the time when I first (stupidly) figured out that something more than friendship was happening. I read through parts of it today and it makes me feel sad. R is a good guy. R probably cared for me. I feel like I missed an opportunity way back in 2011 and I wonder how that may have affected my life today. I don’t know if I regret any of the actions since, but I do regret December of 2011, and I think you know why.
In the past year, I’ve forgotten just how charming he was. I also forgot how much I relied on him and how big of a role he played in my life. I’ve forgotten how funny and smart he was. I forget a lot – thanks ADD. He wrote poems, did you know that? I forgot that. Here’s one…
For a moment I forgot you
Like an old and ripped textbook you sat in the back shelves collecting dust
Dust accumulated from an eternity in this empty shell of a room
The hollow shell in which I have buried all that I hate and all that I lust
Only for the half inch thick dust to be swept away as if my heart was the broom
How you torment me with your wordless expressions reaches the depths of unknown
You carelessly leave me sinking with a life jacket and a bottle of cK contradiction
Leading me to the far edge of your icy hell with just a bus ticket that says ‘one zone’
How can you give a boy a mountain of white snow and tell him to be free of addiction
I hate how you’ve entered the man of glass to skip sharp stones on an ocean of blood
I hate how you’ve brought down an army of birds with but a single silk spun strand
I hate how you’ve infiltrated my fragile mind until the simplest of thoughts were as clear as mud
I hate how you’ve so nonchalantly broken the laws of gravity and forced me to stand
I can’t help but think that he was a bit prophetic. I know he wrote the poem a few year before we began to talk and I’m sure that it was in reference to his own troubles, but it feels so applicable to me and now. Why? Because I know he’s forgotten me… not just for a moment, but maybe forever and I can’t help feeling a little sad and a little happy. I’m sad that I never played as big a role in his life as he’s played in mine. I’m sad that my heart is still a little broken after a year. I’m sad that I will ALWAYS be comparing everyone to him and that I may not find another person to make it beat as fast… But I’m happy that he’s forgotten me. Because, he should be happy. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be in his life as a friend. I’m sorry I wasn’t quite strong enough or mature enough at the time to accept that position and realize that it holds just as much importance and value as a significant other. I’m sorry I still love him a little bit and that I always will.