Running too fast

Did you ever find yourself running down a hill as a kid and realizing that you were moving too fast for your feet to catch up with? Did you have that moment of clarity like, “I’m not going fast enough… I’m going to fall!”. Do you know that panic in your chest?

I feel like that right now, although the panic isn’t a sharp pain… it’s this dull dreading that eventually my legs will give out and I’ll fall out of control to the whim of gravity. That is what life feels like to me. Is that normal?

I’m not sure what’s causing this feeling… Whether it’s an external force (trying to keep up with my peers) or if it’s an internal force (feeling a drive to be something better than I am, but not succeeding). I don’t know. I’m just so… confused. All I can do for the time being is document the feeling to the best of my abilities.

So, how does it feel? I wake up every morning feeling like a zombie. I wake up. I put on my clothes. I go and brush my teeth. I wash my face. I put on my make-up. I go to work. I get myself a coffee. I try to keep busy for 8 hours a day. I go back home. I eat dinner. I sit on the computer. I watch t.v. I go to bed. Repeat. I guess if you boil everyone’s life down to the barebones, this is what you’d get for everyone. But, that’s the thing… You’d have to boil it down to the minimal. THIS IS my life. It doesn’t get more complicated than this. This is it. It’s empty. My life is devoid of colour and meaning, but I don’t know how to get those things back… or if I even had access to them at one point.

How do I get back on the right track? How do I add some colour and meaning to my life. Right now I feel so empty and devoid of anything. I am literally waiting for the day I die in the hopes that … I don’t know. Maybe I’ll get a restart. Or maybe that’s the end of the story?

How do people find that meaning in their lives? There’s no step-to-step guide, is there? Where was my copy?

– L


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