Work has been so draining lately. I get up late and exhausted in the mornings, then head into the office at 9. I get my coffee, I check my voicemails and I respond to a couple of emails. I call the people I need to call, do the tasks I’ve laid out for myself at the end of the day yesterday, and then head out to work in the ‘field’.
Lately, I’ve been spending so much time out in the ‘field’ doing stuff that I just… don’t love. I don’t love my job. I’m going to be honest here… I feel like I should love my job, because it’s the right thing to do. I mean, good people should like my job. It’s a good person’s job. I’m a good person, aren’t I?
But, maybe I’m not. Maybe, deep down, I want a job that will get me rich while doing little actual work. Maybe I want a job where I have little responsibility. Where my actions don’t totally and royally fuck up someone else’s life.
Right now, I feel like it’s overwhelming. My own life is overwhelming. Dealing with my own problems feels like trying to climb Everest with just the clothes on my back. I don’t know how I can help other people with their lives.
Do you remember when you were younger… those times you’d run down a hill and feel your legs going faster than they should be. That voice in the back of your head starts yelling, “oh my god.. you’re going too fast!!” Somehow your legs are carrying you, but you know they can’t carry you at that speed for much longer. You know you’re going faster than your legs can handle and that at any second, the momentum is going to drag you down over your feet and you’re going to tumble in a mess of grass and scraped knees all the way to the bottom of that hill.
That’s what my life feels like now. I feel like things are going too fast, and I just can’t keep up, but somehow I’m managing. I’m still afloat, magically. I’m still managing to hang on, but I know I’m going to tumble and fall. I know when I do, it’s going to be something tremendous and horrendous.
I’m scared, but I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to slow down. I don’t know how to bail out without hurting myself more.