Times, they be a changing.

I’m pretty awful at this whole “keeping a journal” thing  keep trying to do. Whether it’s keeping a physical journal by the edge of my bed or if it’s keeping one online. I’m just no good at writing down my thoughts anymore. I used to be good at it.

A lot has happened in the past 4 months, since the last entry. I still feel kind of down a lot of the time, especially from November to December. I’m sure you know why. It’s just that time of year again. It’s right around my birthday, so a part of me had hoped R would try to reach out and contact me. It’s also right around the time he messaged me last year. Or I guess 2 years ago. Wow. Then there’s December and his birthday. I was tempted to send him a happy birthday message, but I figured it would only open Pandora’s box all over again, so I didn’t. Then of course there’s the whole holiday season… again when he contacted me… 3 years ago. Crazy.

In between I’ve also experienced a lot of change in my friendships too. I no longer talk to Sam much. Some of that is because we went to Hong Kong together in October and it didn’t go too smoothly. For one, we didn’t plan very well and to be honest, that is mostly on me. I didn’t make the time to research what I wanted to do and I didn’t contribute to where we’d live either. I left that entirely up to her and I’m sure she’s a bit resentful for it. Then, we also didn’t get together much before the trip b/c of her new boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend. I don’t even know where to start on that. I can’t remember when he started hanging around so much, but it’s now gotten to the point that I don’t see or hear from her at all when he’s around. It’s gone back to ‘not existing’ when I’m not in her face. It’s frustrating, for sure, but it’s kind of a nice break from Sam.

When we went to Hong Kong, there were a lot of mini disasters that just culminated in me realizing I needed a long break from her. I mean, when we arrived she kept bickering with me about where to go and what we couldn’t do, mostly b/c they were having their riots and demonstrations during that time. She insisted that (through her boyfriend) we couldn’t go to the tourist sites b/c there would be a lot of demonstrations and therefore, possible danger. I told her it’d be fine. Guess who was right.

We also had disagreements over things like money. I told her I’d be fine only bringing like 800$ to HK. I also told her that if I needed more I could always use my Visa (with Citiplus) to withdraw money from any major HK bank. She said it was impossible to do and that HK was a cash-only economy. I don’t even know where to start with this girl. First of all, HK is one of the most technologically advanced cultures in the world. Secondly, they’re one of the biggest banking cities in the world. Thirdly, anything we have in North America related to banking, I’m sure HK started off with first. It’s just kind of retarded to think that you wouldn’t be able to access funds in HK. Don’t be ridiculous… If my dad could get money in India, why wouldn’t we be able to get it in HK?? Anyways, she basically belittled me and made me feel like I didn’t know what I was talking about. As if she knew. Guess who was right about the banking? Yes, me again. Ass.

During the trip was just as frustrating. Between her laughing at me for having an accent (she didn’t laugh when I was bargaining for her) and laughing at me for not knowing the city (again, she didn’t laugh when I guided her through Kwun Tong), I didn’t have a good time. We also didn’t do anything that I wanted to do… like visit the Ocean Park or go to the Peak. I’m pissed off we couldn’t make time for that, but made time to basically waste a day at Kwun Tong getting her phone fixed. Yippee for that. She also basically demanded that we do something from 7 am until like 12 midnight, even when there was nothing open at those times. We’d just aimlessly wander or waste time travelling on the MTR. Every single night my feet ached, so much so that I couldn’t stand on them for more than a couple of minutes before the burning started in my heels. It just bothered me so much. We also spent so much damned time with her aunt on this trip. We didn’t need her around, honestly, but Sam clearly was terrified to make a move without her. I can’t stand Sam’s aunt. She’s worse than Sam. Judgmental and opinionated without being well-informed. We went to Macau with her and we didn’t have Portuguese food b/c poor auntie didn’t like it. What the hell! That’s the only reason I’m in Macau!! Do you see me gambling!? ARGH.

Anyways, super long story short – we haven’t been in contact much since Oct. I think we’ve seen each other one time. She hasn’t initiated anything and I really haven’t pushed for it. I’m too tired of having to deal with all this judgmental behaviour and this attitude that she’s just more experienced than me. I’m tired of putting aside my pride and ego to let other people walk all over me. She’s texting me right now, but only b/c we haven’t talked since December 3rd or something.

So, what about the new year? What’s new there?

I’m going to make a change. That’s what’s new. I’m tired of spending my life looking in the rear view mirror and not watching the road ahead of me. So far, I haven’t had any major accidents, but it’s lead me down a path I no longer recognize and don’t want to be on. I want to be a better version of myself and I know I can do that, but I’ve been so off-track it’s going to take so much work. First of all, career wise. I’m not happy. As hard as I try to be and as guilty as I feel, I’m just not happy here. It’s not satisfying. I like my coworkers and I should like my job and why it’s important. I do like the feeling of making a difference, I just don’t think I am making much of a difference. That’s not to say an individual can’t make a difference, it’s just to say that I’m not that individual. I just can’t seem to live up to the standards set up by  my coworkers and their amazing capacity to enact social change. So I have to look elsewhere. I have to look inside and find out what I want to do, because I don’t think I’ll be happy until I can find something that makes me satisfied. I have to admit to myself that the money and the prestige that goes with having a decent job is a motivator and I have to accept that. Maybe I’ll go back to school, maybe not.

I also have to do something with my weight or fitness. I’m not physically fit. I’m not taking my health seriously. I stopped taking my medication b/c… I don’t know why, honestly. B/c it wasn’t convenient? B/c I forgot? B/c I clearly think I’m “normal” again? Maybe all of the above. I need to start doing that. I also need to start caring for myself better. Caring for what I put into my body as well as what I use it for. I’m looking for activities that will keep me energized and interested, b/c I know that no matter how much I try, I just don’t like running. Can’t do it, sorry.

Finally, I need to improve my mind and soul. I need to spend more time with my own thoughts. I need to second guess what I’ve been told. I want to read more. I want to daydream more. I want to travel more and be less afraid. I want to be carefree. I don’t want to be tied down by the strings of expectations and social norms. Just let me be. Give me the scissors and the will to cut my confines and free myself.

Anyways, very lofty aspirations for this year and the years following. There’s no deadline. Deadline is death. I’ve got until my death to keep working on this and that’s cool with me. I gotta be okay with the idea that I will fail. Not may fail, will fail. I will fall short of my expectations, but it can’t stop me from taking the first steps towards them, b/c hey… one step forward is farther than I’ve gotten before.

– L

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