Phantagasm

I don’t know how I feel anymore.

I use that phrase a lot, “I don’t know”… But I really don’t in this case. I’m not sure what’s going on anymore. I haven’t thought about you in a couple of days, and when I do, I feel guilty. And a little bit like a bird that has been freed of its cage.

Maybe I never really knew you. Maybe you really did play me so well that I will always question your motives or your goal. I don’t think I can really ever understand you; you were always my enigma.

As much as it bothered me before, I am starting to understand that there are things in the world – people in the world – that maybe we weren’t supposed to ever know. Never really understand. It was hard for me to accept that and maybe that’s why I kept going back after each heartbreak. I didn’t believe it to be true, but it was also because I wanted to know why. I just wanted to know if you could really be that … hurtful. If people could be that hurtful. If everything I felt had be a fabrication of your doing. If people were really that capable of creating the illusion of “love”.

Well, I’m starting to come to terms with the idea of not ever having an answer to that. To never knowing the true extent of our capabilities to hurt others as human beings. I would have never guessed that someone would be capable of hurting another person so severely; maybe not physically… but emotionally. To really delve into the very core of their being, to show such empathy and understanding… only to walk away from that and say it was all for naught.

Maybe it’s time to close with another favourite phrase: I don’t care. I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care about the reasons. I don’t care about what happened in the past. I don’t care anymore. What matters is now, and right now… you’re not here and it’s about time I realized that. It’s about time I opened my eyes and stopped living in a dream.

So, day one starts now (or tomorrow morning since it is 11 pm).

– Elle

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