I’m back again, my old friend. What is it that they like to say? No news is good news? But of course, that’s not the truth. I know that for a fact in my line of work. No news means stagnation. It doesn’t mean good news. It just means that there has been no change, and that in itself is bad news.
So since my last post, literally nothing has changed. I’m still okay. I’m not better. I’m still working where I work. Still doing the same thing. Still trying to get by day by day. I’m still feeling unfulfilled. Still feeling lost. Still feeling alone and empty. Can’t figure that one out…
Nothing has changed, and that’s the problem. I had hoped that with more time I’d go back to the person I used to be. Be happy again. Be able to forget about stresses of life and just get back to being myself. Being able to laugh at stupid things. Seeing the silver lining and all that good shit. I’m not getting that. I think my head is broken.
I’ll try. I have to. I will start to go to the gym. I will start trying to run (god, it has been difficult to even go once). I will find a hobby. I will relearn how to sew. I will relearn how to knit. I will do all the things I used to do that brought me joy…. though I’ve forgotten what those things were, honestly. I’ll find new things then.
I also have to find new friends, I think. All my high school friends are all caught up in getting married and having kids and settling down. That frightens me. It feels like suddenly I have all these eyes on me wondering why I haven’t even had a serious relationship before. It’s frustrating and an added stress I just don’t need right now. I’m trying to get over having my heart totally crushed, I don’t need to worry about filling it up with love again. Even if it did exist.