A month.

This past week has been a lot better. I’ve taken time off work again, but this time for an actual cold. 

I haven’t written in a while, but I take that as a good sign. I haven’t really been feeling all that sad. That’s not to say that there aren’t grey clouds over my sky, but that they haven’t decided to strike me with lightening recently – which is a pleasant surprise. I am doing better. I think about R periodically. I even talk about him to my close friends. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like anything. Sometimes it feels like I’m flipping through the well-worn pages of a book I’ve read too many times. Sometimes it feels lonely. But all-in-all, no tears. Not since the last post. 

I’ve stopped crying about it. I think I’ve finally accepted it. Accepted that R is out of my life. Accepted that I will never know exactly what happened between us and that it will never happen again. What happened was like… a lightening strike (heh… irony). It happened once and it was bright and powerful… but it’s not going to happen again. Not in the same spot, anyways. So it’s over. It was wonderful and it was life altering and it was happy and it was sad, but it’s over. It’s all over. And the world keeps spinning anyways. 

Catharsis. I guess this is what it feels like after the monsoon has washed everything clean. I feel empty inside, sure… but it feels like at least I’m not being weighed down by my history anymore. I guess, now is the right time to really fix myself up. Figure it out. Figure life out. Get myself back out there and start running again. Start painting and drawing again. Start being L. again. Start figuring out who I am. 

Yes, I miss him. And I say that openly to anyone that asks, because it’s true. I miss R. I miss him. I miss talking to him and I miss joking with him… and I miss being in love with him. But, I don’t want it back. I don’t need that confusion and that clutter back into my life. I can’t. I’m not happy right now with where I am in life, but at least that anchor isn’t still holding me down. At least now, even though the sails are slack, I can move… I just need to figure out which way the wind is blowing. 

I don’t know if I will ever fall in love again and to be honest, I am very skeptical. I don’t know if I will ever find anyone that will ever really get me like R. did. That I will open myself up to, so easily… so honestly. I don’t know if that person exists. Hell, i don’t even know if R. existed like that. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to find someone that will want to be around me… the real me. The honest version of me. The me that can be an asshole. The me that is competitive, argumentative, quick tempered, sassy, random, loud, happy, emo, a dumb blonde, clever, witty, stupid, insane, wild…. I don’t know if there will ever be anyone that could look at all this craziness shovelled into a package… look at me and see love. See me. I really really hope so, but I’m not counting on it. I’m not counting on love to save the day. I don’t know if I believe in it anymore.

Hey, at least I’m not crying. That’s a start.

– L. 

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