So, despite my last post, I haven’t really been doing all that well apparently. Talk about roller coasters.
I took yesterday off work after waking up the day before feeling like utter crap. I broke down in the shower before heading to work and knew something was wrong. That I was not okay. That things were not okay. I just needed time for myself. So I took Wednesday off. It worried me at first how easily I got the day off. How my boss didn’t seem to care for the excuse I gave. How she looked had made a passing comment earlier in the month saying I looked sad.
Yesterday was … grey. It was dark. I stayed in all day. I cried for half of the time. I slept the other half. It was hell. I just couldn’t get the energy to get out of bed. I contemplated going out for some fresh air and vitamin D. Grabbing lunch outside… but I couldn’t bring myself to take a shower and step into clean clothes. I couldn’t even bring myself to roll out of bed. I just laid there. Staring at the ceiling with tears filling up my eyes. I thought about all that I had lost with R. I thought about all the time I wasted. About all the things I didn’t say and should have said. The things I could have done, but didn’t. The things I should have done. All the things.
I thought about all these things until I couldn’t bear it anymore and went to sleep at 9 pm.
And then I woke up this morning. The sun was up. The birds were chirping. And something had changed. Maybe I changed, maybe not. But something was different and I thought I’d try. I’d try today. I’ll try to be happy. I’ll work hard. I’ll smile. I’ll laugh. I’ll make an effort to talk to my coworker. I’ll make an effort to really do a great job at work today. I’ll try.
Today was a good day. Sure it’s still only 6 pm and let’s face it, I might stumble upon a song or a movie or a story that makes me think of R and all of this positivity will unravel at my feet. But for now, I’m happy. I’m okay. I’m good. I’m smiling. I can talk about R and think about him and it doesn’t make me want to rip my heart out. It doesn’t make me want to give up. To stop trying. Yes, it makes me smile when I think about him. I think about how dorky he was. I smile about the way we talked. But I don’t cry. And that’s the biggest thing, isn’t it?
Sorry for the prose of this whole entry. I just wanted to put it down that today was a good day. Today was good. 7 am until 6 pm. 12+ hours of good. I hope tomorrow will also be 12+ hours of good. 🙂