I think I’m doing better. I think of R. less and less each day. I still think of him everyday… His name slips in, his face flashes by; it’s impossible not to have him creep in like the morning creeps through my blinds each day.
But, I am doing better. Of course I’m still hurting and of course, I’ve still got this silly hope that things can go back to the way they once were. But, I also know that they can’t. I know it’s a hapless dream. I know it’s not real. I know that this gaping hole inside of my heart is going to be with me for a long time, until I meet someone else that will make me forget. Maybe even fill it in again. Or take another chunk out, you never know.
I’ve been on a couple of dates. I know, it’s fast. I’m moving fast. I guess I’m trying to sprint away from R. All that time I spent feeling so hurt. Feeling so confused and lost. Feeling under his control…. I’m sprinting as fast as I can to get away from the past. Get away from that pain. Run towards my future, hoping that it’ll be brighter and better. I don’t know if that’s the solution, but I’m going to do it anyways.
S. is worried about me. She thinks I’m trying to move too quickly. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve moved fast enough. I’ve let this thing engulf me for 3 years and I’ve come out feeling battered and bruised and barely alive. I think I should have taken the first chance I had and sprinted away. That first time he ran away from me, I should have turned right around and ran away as well. I should have. I didn’t…
Yes, I miss R. I think about him whenever I see a funny joke and I want to share it with him. I think about it when I finish watching an episode of Game of Thrones and want to ask him about it. I even think about him on the dates, comparing and figuring out what he’d say instead. I know I shouldn’t, and when I catch myself doing it… I force it out of my mind. But it’s still there, in the back of my head. How would he do it differently? This guy doesn’t like fantasy? Oh, R used to. We shared that in common. And the games. And the jokes… Oh right, let’s focus on this date first.
It’s hard. It’s so fucking hard. No one tells you just how hard it is to fall out of love. They tell you how hard it is to fight for love or to keep your love, but not how hard it is to fall out of it. To forget it. To move on. Holy shit, is it hard. Someone that was a part of my life every day, is now just gone. Gone like dust. Gone. How do you recover.
Please hurry up and be better. Please hurry up and forget. Hit me with a bat over my head and be done with it. Please.