I’ve been wrong.

I’ve been wrong this whole time. Not sure why this is a revelation… I think I’ve known all along. I should have known all along. I’ve asked him a million times if he cared about me that way and he has said no a 999,999,999 times. 

R shared an entry he made today. He’s been having a rough month, possibly a rough year. He hasn’t really told me much, but I can put together some pieces. I know he has a female friend who is suicidal. I know that he was trying to help her out. I know that something happened and now … I guess they’re not talking. He thinks he pushed her to the edge instead of helping her back. I don’t know. All I know is that… for a girl that I’ve never talked to and never met, I resent her. She has him tied to a string around her waist and when she jumps… she’ll take him with her. 

I guess there’s also some other people involved. Someone else. Another girl. Woman. Someone he is in love with. Someone he has been in love with for a long time. Someone he would change his world for. Someone he wanted for a long time… held out for. Someone that doesn’t love him back… Fuck. 

I know a few posts back, I wish that he felt the same way I felt. To feel torn up about someone – namely me. I wished that he knew just how it felt to love someone and have them not love you back. To feel like you were in pool on your toes… inches from drowning. To feel simultaneously alive and dying. I guess he knows that feeling now. I know that it feels awful for him (b/c it feels awful for me)… but why do I feel doubly awful. Maybe it’s because now I know that it was never about me. God, it has never been about me. 

He mentioned me as well. Not by name. Not even by initial, but I think I know where. I am the ‘she’ that tried to help. I am the she that tried so hard to get him to save himself. And that’s it. I am not the ‘she’ he loves. I am not the ‘she’ he tried to save. I am not the ‘her’ that he would have changed for. I am not the ‘her’ that he would have opened up for. 

I am the ‘she’ that he will always have as a friend. I am the ‘she’ that will always tease him and flirt with him to make him smile. I am the ‘she’ that will always be in the shadows, cheering him on while my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I am the ‘she’ that will forever wait for a ‘him’ that will never open up to me. 

I am the ‘she’ that is a complete and utter… heartbrokenly stupid fool. The only one I can’t manage to fool is myself. 

-L

 

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