Am I not worth it?

Why am I not the one being chased… ? Why am I not worth you coming down to see me?

I’m looking back at our sordid history and all I see is a girl making a fool of herself. Remember that time that you told me I wasn’t a special snowflake? Remember that time that you called me 3x at 4 am in the morning and then later told me that you had a girlfriend’s family dinner to attend? Remember that time you told me that you liked to watch Game of Thrones with her? Do you even know how much that made my heart break?

The whole time, from start to finish, it has always been steady for me. It has always been simple. I wanted you. I wanted to be with you.

But, you. You, on the other hand, were never that simple. You never just wanted me. Sometimes you wanted to be a friend. Sometimes you just wanted to flirt. Sometimes you wanted to be more. Sometimes you wanted to call me “baby” and talk to me until 3 am. Sometimes you wanted to make me laugh. Sometimes you wanted to be there for me when I was having a tough time. Sometimes you didn’t want anything to do with me.

So yeah, I’m angry and I’m hurt and I’m heartbroken. I’m a whole pit of feelings that never got resolved and I don’t imagine will be. I’m the girl that still believes in fairytales and that you’ll magically turn into the man that I thought I once knew. I’m a sucker for romance stories, no matter how many times I deny watching chick-flicks. I still want to be able to look back at our beginning and say that we met in the strangest of ways, but that it worked.

But, I’m also the girl that doesn’t believe in fairytales. That is skeptical about stories with happy endings. That looks for the darker secrets that lie beneath. I know you… Even if it’s not all of you, I know a lot about you. I know there will always be a strange attraction between the two of us, but I don’t think you’ll ever do anything about it. Or that you even want to.

Sometimes I think I must have done something horribly wrong to mess things up. But I don’t know where I went wrong. What did I do? What could I have done that drove you away and pushed you into the arms of someone else? I thought I meant something to you, but 3 months later you were with someone else.

I want it to hurt you as bad as it hurts me, because if it hurts you… then I know it meant something to you. The worst thing isn’t being hated… it’s being completely irrelevant to the person that matters the most to you.

After 25 years of being alone, you’d think I deserved some happiness… But I guess the one thing I learned about life is that you don’t deserve anything. You get what you get – good or bad – and how you handle it, is all the difference in the world.

So, now all it boils down to is how will I handle you?


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