So I haven’t written anything in a long time… and you know what that means. It means that things have been going well and I have nothing left to complain about. C is talking to me and of course I should be happy. But I’m not. I’m never happy. I’m not going to be happy until I know that something exists between us and that it’s not just all in my head. And I don’t know when I’ll ever get proof of that or whether that sufficient proof exists at all.
There are always the little signs: He stays up late to talk to me, he always answers my texts, he’ll send me a message if we don’t talk for a little while, he’ll send pictures of himself just to tease and taunt me. But there are always little signs against it too: he never calls me, he never says anything overt about his feelings and now there’s a question of honesty.
Is this a man that honestly has feelings for me and just isn’t able to act on them… or is this just a man that is playing me. That wants my attention from afar and is playing me like a harp. I used to be so sure that it was the former, but now I can’t say. Things go well and immediately my mind wanders into the questions that come up all the time, “why doesn’t he want to meet then?” … “why doesn’t he at least want to call?” …. “how come he never starts a conversation with me?”….
And now…? Now there’s a question of someone else. Is there someone else? When we first started talking so many years ago, he said there wasn’t. Then there was. And now? Now there isn’t anyone apparently… but I can’t say for sure. Why? Because, I found pictures of him with another girl. Sleeping together. Innocent enough, but she had written underneath “Can’t keep my eyes off you” and “I love him” and finally… “my man”.
So what now? What can I do now? I have no claims to this man. I have nothing in writing or by word saying that he loves me. Saying that I’m his and that he’s mine. I only have this immense feeling in my heart that I love this person I’ve never even seen with my own eyes. So how can I say to him that I’m not comfortable with this? How can I say anything? How can I say that this picture is ripping my heart in two again? What right do I have?
I have none. I have no rights at all. I just have a heart that is in so much pain. And it’s not the first time… I am afraid. As silly as it sounds, I’m afraid of losing what I’ve got. Even if it’s not defined lines… even if the boundaries of what this is … is blurry. I am afraid of losing this smoke of a relationship. Maybe I need to think for myself for once. Protect my heart. Build my walls. Hide inside them and never come out. I hate the idea of it all, but maybe it’s the only way I can ensure that I don’t get hurt again. That I don’t feel this ripping pain in my chest. That I don’t feel like I’m falling and there’s no bottom.