Lone.

I haven’t written anything in about 2 months time. There’s good reason for that… a lot has happened. 

First of all, I celebrated my 25th birthday in November. It’s a big milestone… a quarter of a century. I have no idea how I should have celebrated it, but I spent it with friends having dinner and playing board games. I also spent it dying a little bit on the inside. 

Then, as I was getting on with my life and work… I got an email from him again. From C. From the guy who broke my heart a million times into infinitesimally small pieces. Who irrevocably changed me and the course of my life. 

At first it started off cautious. He wished me a belated birthday. I thanked him. He asked how I was. I responded with brevity. He told me how he was doing. 

And then it was all my fault. I let my curiosity and my hope ignite and I asked him more. So we emailed back and forth for a week. Every couple of hours there’d be an email. Every couple of hours, my hope grew. 

Why do I always do this to myself? Why can’t I say no to him? Why can’t I close the door on him once and for all? 

I know that he doesn’t want anything. I know that he’s playing me like a harp. I know that in his eyes this all ended 2 years ago, almost right after it started. I don’t know what I’m thinking. When I start to talk to him, I just forget and I’m happy. I’m so happy. So stupidly happy. It breaks my heart how happy I am, because I know that it won’t last and yet… I still reach for it as often as I can. I still hope. Still. 

And now what? Now I look up from all that and I am still alone. I’m the fool. How could I think someone like him would even want to bother with someone like me. How can I think that I am wanted? I somehow managed to trick the world into believing that I am happy and stronger being alone. I wish someone knew the truth was that I am afraid. I am so afraid of being alone that I’ve created a world where I can only ever be alone. Ironic, isn’t it? 

 

i’m not making much sense. I’m still … hurting. I’m still confused. I don’t know what I’m saying. I just know what I feel. 

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