Cases of you.

Why is it always the guy that is depicted as the long-suffering, strong but heart-broken hero? Why is that the case? 

Why is it always the female that is depicted as the heart breaker? Selfish, cruel, careless… How is that an accurate depiction of the genders? 

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever break out of this. It’s been months. Yes, I’m better now. I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore. I hardly cry at all, honestly. 

Still, I feel like there’s this grey cloud above my head. I just feel like I can never escape it. Escape what exactly? I’m not even sure. I don’t know if it’s him I can’t escape, or if it’s myself, really. More and more, I’m starting to think it has nothing to do with him. I’ve always been so hard on myself… If things don’t go as expected, I take it out on myself. I let it get to me… like I have some way of controlling fate or the hand of god or time or circumstances… whatever you want to call it. It’s hard for me to accept that things may not go the way that I would want them to. It’s hard for me to accept that it’s out of my hands. I’ve always been under the impression that how much work I’ve put into something = how much reward I get out of it. But that’s not the case with real life. There’s no mathematical equation; no fairness. Nothing is balanced. 

I tell myself this over and over again, yet still … I still think I did something wrong. I still go back in my mind. I still think about the things I could have done differently. How do I tell myself that it’s not my fault? How do I at the same time keep hoping that things will turn out the way that I want and still accept that things don’t always turn out for the best. 

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