Love, at the end

Dear C.

I don’t know what you’re doing with your life right now. I don’t know if you’re happy or you’re sad… and I don’t know how I feel about that. You’ve become a stranger on the other side of the world again. It feels like the thread that used to connect us has finally been snipped.

And yet, I still miss you a little. I miss just knowing that you’re there to talk to if I ever needed it. I miss knowing that you’ve got my back; that no matter how horrible I think I’ve screwed up my life… you’ll always think otherwise.

It’s a really strange feeling. I feel a little happy and a little sad at the same time. It’s so hard to describe. I’m happy that you came into my life and I’m happy that I’ve outgrown you – as awful as that sounds. I’m happy that you were the one to strip me of my blindfolds and my naivety. But, at the same time, I’m sad that you were the one that left too. I’m sad wondering about the path that could have been. It’s always going to hover over me like a grey cloud waiting to unleash it’s torrents on my head – what if?

And I don’t need that over me. I don’t want to ever wonder “what if?”. It’s a question that holds you back… and since meeting you, since writing the final chapters of our story… I haven’t had to ask myself that question in any other aspect of my life. It’s only in the pages that you fill that I constantly ask myself that question.

I’m starting to realize though, that some questions just don’t have answers. Some questions either aren’t meant to be answered or just have no right answers. I think this is one of those things. And I’m starting to be okay with that. I’m starting to be okay with the fact that I will probably never know why it ended. Never know why you loved me in the first place. Never know why I loved you back. Never know why it all shattered into pieces when I thought we were so close to finding something tangible.

It’s been a while since we’ve talked, friend. I wish that word still meant something to us though. And although I have a way to reach you, I won’t. I can’t. For my own sake and for yours. Thank you for the incredible chapter in my life. Whenever I feel alone or unwanted, I’ll reread it and know that at one point there was another person out there with blue skin, just like me.

Good bye, my friend. Good bye, my heart.

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