I wanted to let you know..

I guess this is going to be like an unsent letter. I could send it to you, but I don’t think you really want or need to hear from me – and that’s okay.. I understand. Just like I probably would do better by not hearing from you, even if I wish you’d message me sometimes. I know it’s for the better. I hope you’re doing well.

I just wanted to let you know that I’m doing really well. I still have no idea what I’m doing with my life, but I’m a step closer to where I think I should be going. I got a temporary promotion, just covering for my supervisor during her maternity leave. It’s not much, but I’d like to think you’d be proud of me. I was so surprised when she suggested I apply and I was so nervous when I was preparing for the interview. Do you know what got me through it all? Thinking that this is what you’d want for me. That you’d be proud that I was taking a step forward instead of just… being happy with status quo.

Don’t get me wrong.. I still miss you. Just last week I had a couple of dreams about you. One of which was so saddening, because I whispered in your ear that I knew you weren’t real. That I knew it wasn’t really you. That I knew it wasn’t real. But I think that’s what I need to do. I need to realize that maybe what we shared wasn’t as real as we would have liked to think. So many times I wish that we could have at least met. Somehow, I feel like if we met … things would either have become real or that we would have walked away from it without being so torn up. I don’t know. I’m still a silly girl, even though I’m hiding behind my big girl exterior.

I hope you’re proud of me. I’ve been trying my hardest to be brave. I’m trying to go back to school and I’m trying to be the type of girl that you’d want me to be. I’m trying to grow up. Even though you said some hurtful words to me, I know that they were true. I just didn’t think you’d be the one to say them… but maybe you had to say them for me to really listen. Thanks for that… even though it broke my heart to hear you saying them, maybe those words will save me in the end.


Your not-so-special snowflake.


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