June.

It’s been 2 years since I met R. That’s crazy… because it really doesn’t feel like I’ve known him for 2 years. It feels like I’ve known him only a few months, maybe because in reality I have only known him for a few months. 

The whole on-and-off thing takes a toll on a person. You think that you’ve known someone for 2 years (and been in love with them for almost just as long), but you walk away realizing maybe you’ve loved them longer than you’ve actually known them. It’s a tiring thought… 

We aren’t talking anymore. It’s been 2 weeks and it’s been his choice this time. He said he wanted to be friends. He said that he still wanted me in his life… that he still wanted to talk to me and that even if he didn’t want a relationship with me, he’d still want me there. Well, that doesn’t seem to be the case. 

I realized quickly after agreeing to try and be friends, that I was the only one working at keeping the ‘friendship’ up. I’d always be the one that messaged him first and I’d always be the one to try and keep the conversation moving. And I realized.. I was the only one thinking about the other. Regardless of what type of relationship you’re in, you need 2 people to give something for it to work. Maybe one person gives more and the other person gives less, but the other person still has to give something

R. is confusing. Sometimes he’ll do things for me that I don’t know who would. He’ll spend 2 hours writing a story about his camping adventures because I’ve asked him to. Other times, he’ll ignore my messages for days on end. 

I don’t know how to proceed anymore. It’s almost like there are so many versions of him that all deal with me in different ways. There’s a logical R. that wants us to be friends because it makes sense. There’s an emotional R. that’ll call me at 3 am in the morning to try and get to my voicemail to hear my voice. There’s the friend R. that will listen to my problems and really try and help me solve them. Then there’s the asshole R. that will ignore me for days on end and say hurtful things. It just seems like this hurtful R is taking over… 

Regardless, I messaged him something random hoping to start a conversation… but he never replied. So I just left it at that. For all he knows my life has gotten busy and I haven’t bothered to start up a conversation with him since. For all he knows I’m still in love with him and I’m still waiting to message him. For all he knows I’m mad at him. Maybe I am all those things. In some ways I probably am. I am a little mad at him for leading me down a path that he didn’t have any intention of going in. I’m a little mad that I’m still left having feelings when he’s wiped his mind of everything to do with me. I’m still mad that he disappeared for months on end after professing to me and reappeared with a girlfriend. I’m mad. 

And I’m at the same time so very heartbroken. 

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