It’s been a while since I last posted here. I guess you can say I’ve been avoiding it. A lot has happened since I last posted something of real significance here.
So, as I mentioned before I went on a road trip with my friend M. Well, in summary, things didn’t go exactly as planned. I’m not going to go into any sort of details since it’s been so long and since that’s not what the point of this post is. Anyways, what happened was that my car broke down while we were at our destination. And of course, I panicked. I panicked so much. And I did something really really stupid. I texted R.
I opened a door to something that I knew should have stayed closed. All I did was message a very straight forward, simple text asking for information on his city. I did it knowing that I couldn’t let it go any farther. And it didn’t, not really.
After returning home, we were still texting each other sporadically… but nothing really came from it. Now that we were talking again, I didn’t want to really let go… even though I knew it was all wrong. But, a part of me wasn’t satisfied. A part of me couldn’t hide behind the fact that things were different. I couldn’t just pretend that nothing happened and that nothing had changed. I
wanted needed answers.
So, one night I had enough. I called it quits again. And he got mad at me. And I got mad at him. I let it all out. I told him everything that I had bottled up for the year that I had know him. For the entire time that he had my heart in his hands. I told him about all the pain he had caused me. And I asked him straight up, did he still have feelings for me and could they lead somewhere in the future.
He said no. And that was it. Except, he said he still wanted to talk to me. Still wanted to be my friend. He said that he’d rather trust our friendship than the possibly ‘feelings’ he might have and that just because he didn’t want to have a relationship with me, didn’t mean that he didn’t want to talk to me or have me in his life.
At the time it seemed to make sense. I could see his point of view. He blamed me for a number of things and I blamed him for a number of other things. He said that he had to change himself for me, otherwise I would threaten to leave. I said that I didn’t ask him to change, but just uphold what he had established earlier – that he had a girlfriend and could only be friends with me. I simply asked him to follow his own words and not cross the line. Ultimately, I could see that it wasn’t easy for him… just like it wasn’t easy for me. But, maybe for the first time, I was keeping myself as the priority. Keeping my heartache in mind.
So, for the days to follow we tried to talk like we did way back when. Except, there was clearly a game being played. The rules were as follows: last the longest. As childish as it seems, we were (and still are) playing this game. See who can pretend to care less about the other… which makes me wonder why I bother even pretending to be his friend. A part of me doesn’t care about him that way anymore … maybe she realizes that it is completely and utterly over. That, even if something were to come from our friendship, it wouldn’t be what it had been in the past. I would never be able to trust him like I had then. I would never be able to open myself up to him fully without the fear of him leaving or hurting me again.
Anyways, here we are to this day… playing this game. Seeing who can last the longest without contacting the other. It’s a ridiculous game, but it’s one I play because I hope that one day it no longer becomes a game .. but a way of life. That I don’t think of him the second I close my eyes nor the second they open in the morning. And in a very peculiar way, this game we play helps. It helps remind me that he doesn’t care for me … and even if he does, he doesn’t care for me the way I deserve to be treated. Because, maybe I do deserve something better. Because, maybe I do deserve someone that wants to be with me.
A couple of nights ago I had one of those ‘prophetic’ dreams again. Those realistic dreams that make you wake up and swear that they actually happened. This time I was in a foreign city, one that didn’t feel that way though. I remember going through a cafe/restaurant and immediately catching a glimpse of a man in line for some reason. I don’t remember exactly what happened, but we exchanged a few words and I felt a spark. Even in my dream, it was undeniably a spark.
I remember leaving the restaurant and continuing with my day outside in the sun, when a while later it started raining. I wasn’t prepared for the change in weather and decided to catch my bus back to wherever I was staying. As I was making my way to the bus stop, the same stranger from earlier crossed my path and made a comment about how the buses wouldn’t be running. He asked if he could give me a ride, to which I initially declined. But he persisted… with such a charming manner and an honest smile. Considering it was raining and my host seemed so.. gallant, I accepted his offer and off he went to get his car. I waited beneath a giant umbrella and peered out into the rain for his arrival.
He pulled up and I ran through the rain and into the passenger side of the seat. And all I can remember after that is laughing. And feeling my heart race as I felt that ‘new love’ feeling. It was just like meeting someone you knew you’d like and going on a first date with them. It wasn’t so much what happened in the dream, but the feeling I felt throughout it. My heart was pattering with nervousness, but it was .. a pleasant feeling. I felt like…… pure potential. Like I knew I was at the start of something new, that … even though it might not work out, it didn’t matter, because it was new and exciting. And that’s what I woke up feeling.
The funniest part of my dream is that I remember his face. And the thing is, I never remember faces. I never do. But this time I did. He had a wider face than R. and he had big eyes. His hair was longer and relaxed – no gel or styling. He was of average height and average build. And his face… his face looked welcoming. When he smiled, it looked right. It looked natural. And he seemed to be such a … calm person. At some point in my dream he asked me into his apartment where his roommates were all splayed out like sunning cats. I could just tell that he wasn’t the shy type and that he had a number of friends from all walks of life. He just seemed… cool.
I know this is just a dream and I know that it doesn’t really mean much, but for some reason I believe in it. I believe that I will meet someone like this guy and that, although it might not work out in the end… it’ll be a good experience for me. That my heart will again feel that anxious excited nervousness again, just like when you’re at the top of a roller coaster waiting for the drop. It gives me hope that there is someone out there that is a better match for me than R. And … it makes me realize that maybe R. wasn’t all that perfect for me. That maybe he was too similar to my own personality to be a good match… that maybe what we need is someone a little bit different to really act as a mirror and push us to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be.
I’ve got hope now… and I guess that gives me an edge on getting over R. At this point, I need as much help and luck as I can get.
I hope to see you soon, dream guy.