I’m taking a lot of vacations this year and I don’t really have the time or money to justify it. I don’t know why I’ve agreed to them all, but probably because friends suggest it and I just go along with it happily. Because that’s what I always do. And maybe because I desperately need a distraction from my life that seems to be crumbling in my fingers.
Anyways, this time I’m going on a road trip with my Korean friend (M.) to a metropolis by the sea. I’m not going to give away exactly where, because that would give away my identity and … I’m Batman.
I kid. I kid. It IS a big city and it IS located near the sea. It’s also the same city that R. lives in, but that’s not the reason why we’re going. We’re going because my friend will finally be finished her exam and she wanted to celebrate with some damned good food, since our medium-sized city hasn’t really flourished in that arena yet. And, because she’s never been on a cross-country road trip before. And because it’s exciting to be doing something new with each other.
I have to admit, the last time I took a road trip to this city, I wasn’t that excited. Mostly because I was travelling with another friend (S.) and her family. Yeah, her parents and her sister. It wasn’t fun 😦 … not to mention, it was right at the point in time when I started talking to R. again. I had been hoping that fate had given us another opportunity to make things right. I hoped that maybe if we met in person this time, he’d be unable to deny what happened or was happening between us … I don’t know what I was thinking. All I know is that I spent the entire trip dropping hints as to where I was and hoping he’d cave in to curiosity and show up to surprise me. That didn’t happen.
But still, it was an awful trip regardless. Mostly because I ended up spending the entire time doing what S.’s parents wanted to do… which was eat Asian food. All. Day. Long. And visit Asian herbal specialists for hours on end. Or go shopping in malls that reeked of unwashed, overused toilets.
This time should be better. This time it’s just M. and I. This time we’re doing the things that we want to do. And, it’ll be nice because M. actually wants to go and visit the touristy areas that I haven’t been to in maybe 10+ years. She also has no problem visiting the cheaper hidden local favourites (which is not S.’s thing). We’ll have a chance to walk around the city and do all the things that people visiting a new city should do – explore.
Also, the city promises good eats. And we’ve promised each other that we’ll be enjoying those eats as much as possible haha. I’m so excited. I really needed this and even though it’s in his city, it doesn’t feel like it this time. I’m not going to be scared of or look forward to bumping into him around every corner, because I really feel like… well, that this is my city now. That this is my time to explore it. I’ve spent so much time thinking about him and worrying about him, it’s finally my chance to do what I want to do. And besides, the last time couple of times I went, I’ve never bumped into him. Not once. I didn’t even see him when I was walking around his office building.
Okay, to be honest, even though I sound pretty confident above, I do have some reservations about accidentally bumping into him. What do they say again? “You always find what you’re looking for when you’re not looking”? Maybe all my confidence will attract his presence like a bug to a light… that’s just how the universe works sometimes. What if I bump into him? I have no idea how I’ll react. I hope that I’ll be courteous and nice, but I can’t guarantee that I won’t just break down. Especially if he’s with his girlfriend. Sometimes I think about what would happen if I did run into him at a restaurant/bar/club. I imagine that he’d see me and the realization would dawn his face. He’d want to talk to me, but he’d know he shouldn’t. And I’d see him and know the same thing… And I’d run. Or scream. Or cry. Or something. I don’t know. But, it’d be this big dramatic thing and he’d chase me down the street. It’d be pouring rain while he confessed his love to me, but at the same time telling me he couldn’t follow his heart. Then again, my mind is really into the theatrics. It’s a bit of a drama queen.
Even writing that, I know it’s ridiculous. I know that if I bumped into him (big if), we’d probably see each other, acknowledge the other’s presence with a smile and continue on our separate ways. He might text me after, but I don’t think he’d expect a reply. And, although I might reply, I wouldn’t expect it to go beyond that.
“It was nice to see you, finally.”
“You too. Take care.”
I guess, sometimes it’s nice to think that life is a bit like a television drama… but many times, it’s highs and it’s lows are subtle, like the slightest hint of a smile or someone turning their back to walk away.