Reaching out.

Lately, I’ve had a lot of things bothering me and getting me down. For one, I’m still struggling over losing that one person I could tell everything to. I want to tell my friends and ask for their help, but I don’t want to sound like a broken record. I’m not the only one facing a lot of heartbreak and I don’t want to take away from their heartache. But, sometimes I just wish someone could reach out to me and realize just how much I’m losing it. I’m losing my mind here… 

Things in terms of my professional life are starting to become stagnant. I’m only 24, but I’m feeling like I’ve hit a plateau and that I’m going to be forever stuck in this dead end job in this dead end town. 

My romantic life isn’t any better. I’ve only had one person in my life worth a damn and now he’s gone. I can’t even imagine meeting someone new, because I feel like all I’ve got left is a shredded heart. How can I learn to love someone new when my heart still loves someone else? It can barely sustain me; how can I even begin to imagine giving it away again? 

And my social life? Horrible. Dreadful. I’ve never been a social person and now it’s becoming evident. I don’t have any friends. I have a handful of friends from high school that are still around, but day by day I’m losing them. I’m starting to realize I’ve never had that much in common with them other than a requirement to be in the same class 5 years ago. I really don’t have anyone I can be 100% honest with anymore. There are so many things I can’t tell them because I know they don’t understand me. There are so many things that I can’t say because I know they’ll be offended. 

I just wish there was someone I could tell everything to. That I could say everything I needed and just have them listen to me. I wish I could have what I had with R again… Not when we fell for each other, but before that – when we were just strangers. 

But then again, maybe that’s why I have so many blogs.. Maybe thats why I need so many blogs. God I miss R. I keep pushing it down, but I miss him. I don’t even know how to function now. I feel like I’ll forever have this cloud hang over me … that it was my chance to be happy and I let it slip through my fingers because I didn’t watch it more carefully. Like it is all my fault my future is going to be a disaster, just because I didn’t hold on tighter. Because I made stupid mistakes. I said the wrong things at the wrong time. I didn’t say the right things at the right time. 

I know I can’t keep beating myself up over something like this and I know that it’s just as much him as it is me. I know that if he didn’t want it, I can’t force it. But, it doesn’t help push this heavy feeling away. I still feel like I’m drowning with no one around to help. I feel like I’m about to dip under those waves any second now. 

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