In the day and age of technology, it’s ridiculously easy to be in contact with someone. It’s also ridiculously easy to cut that person out of your life. It’s even easier when you hardly know the individual in person.
Back about a month ago when I stopped talking to R and sent him that email, I also decided to block him from the app that we’d be using to communicate. I know this was a childish move, but I did it for my own sake. It’s not that I thought he’d contact me (especially not after that email), but I didn’t trust myself not to contact him. And okay, maybe a part of it was a bit spiteful too.
Anyways, I grew up. I realized that instead of putting a wall between myself and my problems, I should really have the courage to face them. Putting up the wall will only ever keep me afraid of my issues instead of actually dealing with them head on. Otherwise, I might end up like that old prisoner from Shawshank Redemption that couldn’t deal with life beyond those walls… I don’t want to be like that.
So I unblocked R. And, even though I admit that a part of me hopes he’ll contact me again, I know that I needed to do this. I need to show myself that I was capable of self-control. That I wouldn’t call or message him just because I could. And, if he ever decided to message me, I need to be able to not reply. I need to be able to move on.
The whole thing got me a little down yesterday, because I guess it was another big step to realizing or admitting that things are thoroughly finished between us. That he is not going to show up at my doorstep on a big white horse and apologize for all the history. That I need to start realizing that he’s never coming back for me, or at least not the way that I’d want. That it was not possible to negate all the things that happened to us in the past.
I’m missing him everyday, but I’m missing him less and less. I’m no longer staring at my phone waiting for someone to message me. I’m no longer thinking about him every waking minute of everyday. I’m a lot better now. Yes, I still think of him daily, but usually only for an hour or two in my busy day. It’s better. It’s getting better. I hope.