Driving on my own, I started thinking about what life is all about. I realized that if I had to summarize life in one word, I’d say it was all about risk. It’s all about what we’re willing to risk, how much we’re willing to risk and what we’re risking it for. At least, that’s what it seems like right now.
Everything in my life to this point has been about risk. Whether or not I take it; whether or not it pans out… I wish I could say I’ve always been the risk-taker, but I know that more often than not, I usually bet on the safe side.
Maybe the only realm where I willingly take risks, is in the arena of love. I took so many risks with R. than I should have, but … I don’t regret a single one. Even though it didn’t pan out the way I wanted and even though in some ways I’ve lost a number of things (innocence, ignorance, time, emotions, etc.), I’ve also gained a lot too. It was my first real experience with love and relationships.
And looking back upon it, I can’t really blame how he acted either. I realize for him it was a matter of risk as well. Whether or not he was willing to risk something stable and familiar for something that was maybe a long shot and different. I can’t really blame him because if I were in his position, I’d probably go with the safe choice too. Deep down, I know I can’t discount his feelings for me… yes, he did care for me, but he choose to go with something that was safe rather than to risk it for something that wasn’t a guaranteed thing.
And for me? What risk was there? Yes, I suppose I risked my heart in the sense that if I let it fall, he might not catch it. And yes, I did get hurt pretty badly, but ultimately I have a lot less to lose than he does. If I didn’t work out, he would have lost a relationship with a girl that he’s probably had for a long time. That, while maybe not as appealing/perfect as he’d like, was still familiar.
I’d like to think that this whole experience has really taught me to look at situations from different perspectives and to never judge someone’s actions purely based on my perspective. There are so many reasons people do the things they do, and maybe if we all practiced a bit of perspective we might understand the human condition better.
Regardless, I’d like to report that I’m doing well. I miss R. a little bit less each day. I think the biggest difference this time is that… Well, is that I think I’m finally realizing that I need to let him go. And, while in the past I would resist forgetting the memories, this time I’m letting them go. I’m not trying in a vain effort to hold on to them or relive them and all in all, I’m doing okay. I do miss having someone to talk to and laugh with …