I’m leaving on a jet plane. I don’t know when I’ll be back again.
Okay, that’s a lie. I know when I’ll be back again. Tomorrow I’m hopping a plane early in the morning and heading off to a tropical paradise to escape my woes. Okay, again that wasn’t totally true. I’m actually heading off to the Dominican Republic for a cousin’s wedding. He’s having a big destination wedding and since we’re close, I decided to dole out the 2,000$ price for a ticket and a hotel room at a fancy 5-star resort. Here’s hoping it lives up to it’s price tag haha.
If you can’t tell, I’m in a better mood today. I would say lately, but it seems like my moods have been going up and down a lot. One day I can be totally fine and the next I feel like curling up in a ball and never waking up. I guess this is all relatively common in heartbreak victims. Don’t get me wrong, even though I’m having a better day, this whole R. thing hangs over me like a cloud waiting for it’s chance to start pouring down on me. I’m not too sure what’s holding it at bay today, but maybe it’s the trip. Maybe it’s because I’ve been so busy getting ready for it that I haven’t had the chance to think about R. like I normally would. Or maybe it’s because I’m finally on the mend.
The interesting thing is that I have a friend that went through a similar experience a year ago. The difference, of course, was that she was in a real relationship and one that was about 8 years in length. I watched her struggle with her temptation to return to what she knew and the knowledge that moving on was the best thing. It’s the same struggle I face everyday. The thing about watching her go through all of it was that it gives me hope.
What happened was that she was in a relatively secret relationship with another girl. Yup, and that’s why it was secret. Anyways, the girlfriend didn’t want anyone knowing about their relationship, while my friend was open to sharing it with close friends. Their 8 year relationship ended when the girlfriend moved to a different city and ended up sleeping with a classmate. She then suddenly had the realization that she loved this classmate and essentially tossed my friend to the wayside.
At the start, I remember that all my friend wanted was to get back together. She didn’t care that her girlfriend cheated on her or that she could so easily toss aside 8 years of commitment and devotion and infatuation and… love. All my friend wanted was to have her life back to normal… and she didn’t care that the person she loved disappointed her so greatly. In the end, she was willing to overlook the whole thing if it meant returning to the way she had persisted in for 8 years.
But over time she started to change and see things differently. She started to realize how flawed their relationship ultimately was and that she really deserved better than someone who could so easily cheat and make an 8 year relationship seem like nothing. I’m proud of her steps over the year and I know she will one day find someone else that will treat her better. Even she has hope now that such a day will come.
So, as I was saying before, her whole experience gives me a lot of hope. In a weird way, her journey is like a map for my own journey of healing. Right now, I’d probably still take R. back if he made a big gesture and asked me back into his life. I still think that he’s an amazing person and that he is worth being through all this pain for. I still think that through all these ups and downs, that if we ended up together … they’d be worth it.
But, I’m getting better too. Why? Because I’m realizing that it’s not the right mindset to have, even though I can pretty much tell you that if he showed up at my door, I’d forgive it all… I’m happy to know that one day I can be just like my friend. That one day I’ll realize that he wasn’t good for me. That he wasn’t the right person for me, simply because he didn’t want to try. Simply because he didn’t push himself anywhere near where I pushed myself for him. I hope to see the day when I can open my eyes and realize that I deserve better. That I deserve a person that is willing to move the planets for me, because I think I was willing to do that for R.
I’m sorry that this blog has become so enthralled with the ups and downs of my romantic life. I think the problem stems from the fact that I have another blog that is read by in-real-life friends and as a result, I can’t really talk about this sort of things there. As such, I’ve put most of my everyday contemplations and happenings in that blog, while I fill this one up with the things that really trouble me or make me ponder. So far, there hasn’t been much of the latter, but I’ll make my way there.. when this R. thing doesn’t eat up so much of my thoughts, like the little monster that it is.