So it’s over now. For certain.
Things seemed to be going well between us for a little while (since my last post). He stopped talking to me like a parrot and actually started trying to converse with me a little deeper like he used to. He’d ask me questions about myself again and it seemed like he was genuinely interested in talking to me again.
Things got even better when I asked him to install a couple of games on his phone so that we could play together. At the time I wasn’t exactly thinking that this would bring us closer – I was more concerned about having more challengers to play with. He obliged so willingly and on the first night we played until 2 am until he pushed me to go to sleep.
And then he called me (drunk, according to him) at 4:30 am playing some cheesy Asian music in the background. No, I wasn’t too happy about the phone call, but I was quite surprised he decided to start calling me again. Especially in the middle of the night. I guess it got me thinking that I must mean something to him – that he must want me still on some level (and not on the physical sense I mean).
Anyways, things were starting to go back to normal again until last night when he brought up having to have dinner with is girlfriend’s relatives. That crushed me. It felt like the ceiling had collapsed on me and I was pinned under the rubble. I couldn’t breathe and I remember flushing bright red. I was an idiot. Of course he still has his girlfriend. Of course. Stupid me. Don’t forget it.
But what hurt me the most was that it seemed that they weren’t just … fooling around. Like those junior high kids that call holding hands and watching a movie together once a month ‘dating’. No, this whole ‘dinner-with-the-relatives’ thing made it seem like… well, like it was serious and going well. That he wasn’t looking for an out. That he was happy. And I was the fool. Again.
I was devastated but I realized at that moment this all had to end. I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I had to start building my self-respect again. I do actually deserve to be loved and loved by a person that realizes what he has. Someone that would want to be with me and only me. Someone that was not satisfied with having me as a side dish.
So I wrote a letter that I eventually sent him this afternoon:
I know this isn’t the best timing or the best way to get this kind of letter, but I really can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry… I can’t talk to you or have any contact with you anymore. I’m sorry if this is coming out of the blue, but I think you know why I feel this way. I want to believe that you still care for me, because I think you must realize that I still love you. It makes it so hard to be your friend and have it mean nothing more than that, when I will always want more. Sometimes I get the feeling that you want more too, but that you’re afraid of something and I wish I knew what that was. Maybe you’re afraid of changing your life, maybe you’re afraid of hurting other people, maybe you’re afraid of being hurt… I wish there was a way I could tell you not to be afraid of these things and actually have you believe me.
All I know is that this whole thing is killing me. I can’t stay here in this place where I’m at and hope that one day you might want me finally. I can’t sit here and pretend to forget that you have a girlfriend who probably loves you as well. I can’t pretend that I’m not hurting her by holding on to you. I wish I had the strength to be your friend and not be heartbroken at the same time, but I don’t know where anyone gets that strength from. You once asked me if I would go to the wedding of someone I cared for and I said, “yes, because I’d be happy if they were happy”. I don’t know if I can honestly say that is enough anymore. It’s not that I don’t want you to be happy or that I wouldn’t be happy if you’re happy… It’s just that it hurts so much to feel like you want something too but that you just don’t want it with me, for whatever reason. It hurts me to think that you’re not happy right now and that … I’m not helping the situation by making you feel torn. I think we both realized this had to stop at some point.
I really do hope you find happiness. I hope your girlfriend makes you smile and that you find someone to talk to about your problems. Please please please find a way to help yourself. You need to talk to someone about your issues and I think you’re afraid of doing that as well. Don’t be. It’s a long hard journey, I’m sure, but please do it for your own sake. I know you don’t seem to care about yourself, but other people care about you. One day you might start caring … I hope you get to that day soon.
I wish things turned out differently. I wish you still cared for me and I wish I didn’t waste time telling you that from the start. I wish I called you more and I wish I actually met you all the way back in December. I wish we could really be friends now and that I could see you finally get to that day when you can actually say you’re happy. But, I think if I don’t stop this now, I’ll never be able to get over it. I’ll never be able to move on; I will always be waiting for you to change your mind about me and I will always be hurting knowing you won’t. I’m so sorry if I’ve ever hurt you, I never meant to.. I honestly just want you to be happy. Your girlfriend is lucky to have you and you should realize that you’re lucky to have her too, so don’t hurt her by letting whatever it is between us keep happening. Let her in… let her help. Let your friends in, let them help too.
Thank you for the smiles and the good times we shared. Thank you for helping me in ways that you will probably never know. I really wish you all the best. I will never forget the guy I met by chance and spent a whole evening talking to. You are a very special person, R. I hope you realize that. Any person is lucky to have you in their lives. I know I was lucky to have met you and had you in mine, no matter what the outcome was. None of this was your fault… You said you wanted to be friends and you have been a good friend. You didn’t cross the line, yet I still can’t change the way I feel about you… Guess I’m the one that can’t flip that switch. I will sorely miss our conversations and your odd sense of humour.
Please take care of yourself, for your own sake and for others’. Goodbye.
I tried to be as kind as I could in letting go. I didn’t want to leave him nor myself angry. I just wanted to say goodbye and explain myself as best I could.
Wasn’t sure if he’d get the email (since I had to dig into the recesses of my mind for his email address), but sure enough he changed his whatsapp status to “drinking again” some time this evening. I don’t know what to say other than I’m sure he’s hoping I’ll see it and that I’ll respond… but I won’t. I can’t. I am finally letting go and never going back.
And while I was so upset writing the letter, now I can truly say that some peace has passed over me. I’m finally free. I was wound up so tightly like a string before I finally sent that letter. And when I did, it was like … finally breathing. I can’t take that letter back. I can’t return those words. It’s done now. All the strings have been cut and the bridge is burned. There’s no way to go back… there is only going forward.