Experts

Yes, it’s true I haven’t had much experience on love. I’m definitely no expert, but I think I have a good understanding of what love should entail. At least, from what everyone says and from what my heart tells me. I’m pretty intuitive (which makes me a good advisor as I mentioned in a past post), so I think I have a fairly good grasp on what love should be like. 

Why do I bring this up? Well, yesterday I watched this completely random video about “flirtationships” (relationships that never are quite outright relationships – aka. me and R) and then today I read something interesting in my book. I know it’s a fairly steadfast principle in love, but I guess I didn’t really consider it until today. 

“If you love someone, you want them to be happy – no matter what. Even if that means that it’s not with you.” 

I think I’ve finally realized that R. never really loved me. Why? Because, even when we were in our ‘good’ times, he’d play these games with me and try to make me jealous. He’d say things to hurt me like, “I’ve got a hot date tonight ;)” (and no, he wasn’t referring to me). And, when we established that we were only going to be friends, he kept bringing up his ‘lady’ even though I’m sure he knew how I felt about him. 

Why did he do all these things, if not to hurt me? I mean, if he wanted to hurt me so badly, then he couldn’t have actually loved me, right? Because, regardless of how much he’s hurt me… regardless of how much pain I’m still feeling because of him…. regardless of how much I call him an asshole in my mind … I still don’t want to hurt him. I still wouldn’t do anything to outright cause him any pain. In fact, I want him to be happy. I wish him all the best. And although I don’t believe there’s anyone out there that could love him like I do, I still hope he finds someone to prove me wrong. I never want him to cry… but I get the feeling that sometimes he wants me to just… fall apart because of him. 

Now, I’m not sure if he’s trying to hurt me or not, but he is. I can just tell he’s given up on me. He doesn’t want to talk to me. I can feel something has drastically changed in him. For some reason I always thought that he wanted to talk to me – what with him contacting me on new year’s – but I guess I’m wrong. Maybe that was his way of saying goodbye at last and now he just really could care less about me.

It really is true what they say, the opposite of love is not hate. It’s apathy. And goddamn does it hurt…

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