Reflections.

So, you know I invited him back into my life again. I let him in without much thought. I let him in knowing that I wasn’t fully healed yet and that I still wanted something to happen between us. I was still hoping and truly believing that somehow it would all turn out the way that I had really wished. That somehow, that part in my dreams where we are happy would actually come true.

But so far, it’s nothing like I expected – then again, when is life ever what you expect? Basically, yes we are talking, but we aren’t talking much. He says a few words, I say a lot more. He doesn’t answer me for a number of hours, I sit there waiting like an idiot and feeling hurt. Feeling rejected. Feeling like a fool.

Then I get mad. I get angry at him for ignoring me. I get angry at him for not wanting to talk to me as much as I clearly want to talk to him. I get mad that he pulled me in in the first place. I get mad that he wished me a happy new years. I just get mad.

But… if I stopped pointing blame in his direction, I realize that I’m mad at no one else but myself. I’m mad at myself for falling for someone who didn’t want anything from me. I’m mad at myself for giving up on us when there was a chance. A real chance. I let him down and as a result,  I don’t think he will ever feel the way for me like he did then. Now I’m just angry at myself for putting my pride aside and running head first in to a brick wall. I’m mad that I let someone else have this much power over my happiness and my thoughts. I’m mad that I let myself go back… whether or not he intentionally is playing me, I’m mad that I’m getting played. God. I’m so angry at myself.

I’ve been a fool. And worse than that, I’ve been a fool that can’t even look in the mirror and say it to herself. I’m a fool and I am a coward. This heartbreak is no one else’s fault but my own. I let things get to a place where I fell… fell hard and kept falling, over and over again. Any pain I feel is my own doing. I’ve got no one else to blame but myself. What a fool I’ve been

– L

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