I’m having one of those withdrawal days again. My chest is all tight and I’m one thought away from crying my eyes out. It’s taking everything in me to hold it back… I keep having to tell myself, “stay strong, please stay strong for another day”.
I heard something pretty interesting from a really unlikely source. It was the Sex and the City movie. *ahem* .. I’m not a big fan of the show *blatant lie*. Anyways, in the movie (SPOILERS) Carrie is left at the alter by Mr. Big and as a result she asks her recently hired assistant to just magically block all incoming emails from him so she didn’t have to think about him – ever again. And even though the movie was pretty horrible, there was something that has always stuck with me which is unusual for junk t.v. & good t.v. alike. When asked why she hadn’t cried about it afterwards, Carrie simply replied something along the lines of: “maybe every man has an allotted amount of tears. Maybe I’ve used mine up for him.”
Although it comes from a ridiculous source, I can’t help but take this as truth. It’s ridiculous, I know. But, sometimes I think it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to be true. Every time I cry over him, I think about that very quote and wonder when my tears will stop. When I’ll reach that quota and when it’ll just be … done.
I’m so torn. A part of me desperately wants him back. Desperately would agree to anything just to have him back in my life and talking to me as if nothing happened. This part of me would gladly pretend that she didn’t love him just to have him talking. This part of me would also probably get heart broken over and over again.
The other part of me, likely my brain, tells me otherwise. Tells me that I need to stop. That maybe if there is a ‘tear quota’, that maybe I have to be the one that sets the limit. I have to be the one that draws the line and says, “you’ve cried enough tears for him – no more”.
Can you guess which side is winning out today?
God, it’s all because I figured I could be mature enough to keep him as a contact on my phone (and hence on my messenger) without having to cave into contacting him. That it would make me stronger and ultimately that it would prove I’ve moved on when he became just another contact. Of course, that was all a big lie.
Now all I do is periodically check my phone through the day to see when he’s online. To see whether or not he’s updated his status. To see if he’s changed his picture. To stare at his unchanged picture. To wonder what was said or done that made him laugh so hard. To question whether or not his teeth actually jut out that much (heh).
And when I changed my picture, he changed his. When I changed my status, he changed his. I’m not saying it’s in response to my actions (who know’s if he’s deleted me or not), but every time he changes his status, it throws off my world. I’m googling up lyrics to song titles or I’m pouring over what these words could mean. I’m sitting there wondering why he’s changed his picture to that particular one.God, if there was ever proof of my over-thinking, this would be it.
Maybe this is what ended the whole thing. I over thought it. When he wanted to meet and I didn’t? Over thought. When I kept pushing for something more than just texting? Over thought. When I started getting all nervous when he didn’t reply after an hour or two? Over. Thought.
What in the world am I going to do? This is why I can’t have a freaking relationship with anyone! I over think everything. Even if someone was interested in me, I drive them away with my over thinking. I start worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet and I start planning for the worse. I question their motives and I question my own motives until I’ve killed this thing like a dead rabbit in a bloody pool.
What. Do. I. Do?