So, I’ve realized that this blog has become a sort of passion pit where I’ve dumped all my heartbreak into. What I meant to create here was a blog where I could post things that I couldn’t post on my other blogs (due to the fact that I know the people who read that blog). As a result, I can’t post things about people or about my relationships or about my problems without drawing attention or concern from my friends. And unfortunately, that has turned this blog into a dumping ground for my problems instead of the diary type of blog I had hoped this would become.
So, I’m going to try and remedy this problem in the year 2013. I’m going to try and encourage myself to write something everyday that isn’t always about the bads. I’m going to try and make this a sort of time capsule or a snapshot of day to day life. It’s going to be boring for sure, but it’ll make me think of things to write about. Maybe it’ll even encourage me to improve on my writing skills.
Actually, on that note…
I was born in Canada, but I wouldn’t necessarily say that I grew up here. At an early age my parents decided to take a job overseas and as a result, I spent almost 10 years of my early childhood in a couple of different countries. When we finally moved back to Canada, I was going into my frist year of junior high (aka. middle school) without any friends.
It has always been hard for me to meet new people and make friends. I don’t think it was really all that different now as an adult, honestly. One of the first friends I made was an immigrant Korean girl, and it wasn’t even really by choice. My teacher saw that she was Asian and that I was Asian and automatically assumed that we’d like to be friends. Man was that teacher damned lucky that we ended up pretty good friends haha.
Anyways, this girl has been my friend since then. Somehow, even though we didn’t really talk in high school or university, she’s still one of my closest friends. We have one of those relationships where we can kind of just pick up where we left off, regardless of how much time passes. We’re just comfortable around each other enough to do that, I guess.
She ended up going to a different city for university than I did, but she’s back in town now after around 5 years. She took a year off in the middle and she’s almost always back for Christmas, so it’s not like I haven’t seen or talked to her in 5 years. Regardless, she’s back in town permanently now (or until she figures out what to do next).
You see, she’s in the same boat as I am. We both do fairly well in school, but upon graduation we didn’t know what to do with all that freedom. Coming from a clearly structured educational system, we couldn’t figure out what to do next given all the choices. So, we floundered. I didn’t get into a Master’s program and neither did she. But, I started job hunting and I eventually found a job (that pays peanuts …). She, on the other hand, stayed out of town until she absolutely ran out of options and had to return back home to her parent’s house. So yeah, we’re both kind of .. hoping that our ‘futures’ will eventually find us.
Don’t get me wrong though, her personality is very different than mine. While I’m kind of becoming complacent to the fact that I’ll never achieve what I thought came so easily to people like me (aka. people that did well in school), she’s not taking it lying down. Yes, she’s back in town and yes she’s having a tough time figuring out what to do next. But, she’s trying still. She’s taking a number of tests (for dentistry, pharmacy, etc.) and she’s working on her applications for schools again.
Sorry, I’m getting to my point, promise. Well, as you remember (I’m sure), she’s a Korean immigrant and honestly, while she was away at university her English hasn’t improved much. So she’s relying on me a lot now to help her finish her applications and go over her resumes and such. She’s also relying on me a lot to help tutor her in English comprehension and what not.
The funny thing is, she keeps saying I’m really good at teaching her English b/c I’m the perfect combination of harsh and gentle. I’m gentle enough to care that she gets the reason for why I’m criticizing her haha.. But, it started to get me thinking that maybe I should go into teaching.
The only thing is, I’m scared it’s not going to turn out well for me. Teaching is all about presence and who you know really. It’s almost impossible to find a teaching job in my country at the moment (damn you baby boomers! When will you retireeee!?), especially if you have no connections. And, as I mentioned before, I am pretty socially awkward. So no, I don’t have any connections.
I’m also worried that even if I get a job as a teacher, it won’t give me the lifestyle I really want. I feel like it’s still going to be a huge struggle to survive. That really scares me. Hell, life scares me. I’m afraid that if there is a struggle, I’ll end up failing miserably.
I think that fear is the thing that held me back from making a decision about my future for so long. But, god… am I afraid. I’m so afraid of what’s thousands of miles down the road, that I can’t even take the first step. How do I get over that fear??