New Year, New Start

So, this is late coming, but I’ve been insanely busy these past few weeks. After Christmas there was New Year’s and after that there was cramming in meeting up with people that would soon be out of town again. It has just been crazy, that’s all.

But amongst it all, I haven’t forgotten about what it means this season. And somehow, in between driving across the city to visit the zoo and to the mountains for snowboarding, I’ve been thinking a lot about just how much has changed since December 2011.

Honestly, it has hardly felt like a year. Maybe it’s because it’s my first year working full-time. Maybe it’s because of the ups and downs in my romantic life. Maybe it’s just a sign I’m getting older. Who knows, really…

I look back now and I have to say I’m pretty proud of the year 2012. Of course there were a number of moments where I would have liked to have handled differently, but ultimately I’m happy with the whole thing because of the things I’ve learned. It hasn’t been a big year in terms of making great leaps in my career or anything, but it has been a big year in terms of learning. I’ve learned a lot about myself, namely what I can handle and what I can’t. I’m glad to say that I know my boundaries better and know myself better. It’s a really nice change.

The year before wasn’t good to me. Or more aptly, I wasn’t good. I wasn’t in a good place and I wasn’t a good friend, daughter, employee – I wasn’t a good person. And as a result, it spurred me to really clean up my life in January. I applied for a number of jobs, most of them out of my field, and accepted my current position. Although it isn’t at all glamorous (or well paid), it’s something and it’s taught me an important life lesson – patience. Now, I’m still fairly impatient (especially with certain people), but I’ve gotten a lot better.

2012 also marked the year that I started trying to socialize more. I made an effort to go talk openly and unabashedly to acquaintances. As a result, they’ve let me in just as much as I’ve let them in. It’s really wonderful… I’ve got new friends to spend Saturdays with.

Finally, the last year has given me a crash course in romance. A course that I was in dire need of. It’s shown me the wonderful experience of being in love and also the awful feeling of heartbreak. Just like falling off a bike, it’s sparked a desire in me to get it right. Sure, I’ve skinned my knee, but I’ll be damned if I let this love thing stop me from getting back up again. I also learned how to be patient, in a very different way. And to be more skeptical of what life may present to you. Also, not to look at everything that comes into your life as a sign, but maybe just as something that’s come into your life. Things don’t always have to be a sign or a lesson or anything really. Sometimes things are just things. Sometimes a person that’s broken your heart is just a person that’s broken your heart – no better or worse than any other person.

Alright, so to finally finish up this long post, I wanted to share my resolutions:

1) To get back into shape – this includes doing things that are actually fun to do. Like snowboarding and archery and golf. To keep up with this stuff and to not let it slip because life has gotten me down. Besides, hitting a ball with a giant metal stick or shooting arrows at a target is a great stress reliever.

2) To not over think things. This one coincides with the next point really… Basically, when I over think things I put too much weight into it and I manage to stress myself out. I’ve always been afraid to take the first step because I was afraid of failing some 500+ steps down the road. But, the reality is … If i’m just standing at the start completely afraid to move, I’ll never even get close to my goal – even if I do succeed. And if I fail, well … Get up and try again, baby.

3) To not stress out over the little things. Take life as it is and nothing more. It is what it is. Sometimes you’ll get what you want and other times you won’t. Sometimes things turn out well and other times they’re not so great. What’s important is that life is gonna be okay and over thinking it only leads to stress.

4) To really try and talk to people I wouldn’t otherwise. I read somewhere in a magazine that being shy is essentially being selfish. You expect to stand in the corner and have someone else come and talk to you. Well, that’s a little selfish ultimately, isn’t it? To just say “I’m shy” doesn’t cut it anymore.

5) Daydream more and set up my goals. The thing I’ve realized throughout my life is that I’ve never really had that much aspiration or ambition. A part of it is, I realized, because I don’t really know how to daydream. I’ve never given it much thought as to what I’d want to be like, or own, or have, or … yeah. You get the point. Well, it’s about time I set up goals. And since I’ve never really had them before, I’m going to start small and eventually I’ll get my life goals set up. Hopefully 😉

6) Get back into school or find a better job thats more interesting/stimulating. This is pretty self-explanatory. Seeing as I’m not in the field I want, I should really leave, but not before I set up something new and head towards the right direction. I need to stop taking life for granted and thinking that I’ve got all the time in the world to figure things out. Especially if I’m just hoping it’ll hit me in the face. Nope, I gotta go out there and actually try… yes… try to be smacked in the face with inspiration.

I think that’s really it for resolutions. Oh lord, I’m sorry for such the long post, but in all fairness I haven’t updated in such a long time.

Oh, one more thing…

I had a great NYE, an odd one but great none the less. I spent it with some good friends, some old friends and some new friends. Sorta. It was a strange night for sure. My friend and I crashed a dinner party with some old high school friends for a mini-reunion. And then we decided to go to a boudoir club to ring in the new year before finally heading to a club to get in some dancing. Nothing really exciting.

Except that I got at text from R. at around 2 am in the morning, wishing me a happy new year. The couple of weeks before NYE, I was having a hard time getting over it… but I finally resolved to stop and let it go with no regrets & no resentment at midnight. So, when I saw the text I was a little surprised. I guess I never realized things from his point of view (which I fail to do a lot). I didn’t think he’d still want to talk to me after the last time. Especially since I looked back at the conversations leading up to our last spat and realized … just how childish and ridiculous I was behaving. I’m ashamed to say I was acting like a jealous girlfriend when I had no right to be. Because I wasn’t a girlfriend and it was made clear.

I didn’t know what else to say to him other than “Happy new years to you too” and let it be. And, while I can’t help thinking that sometimes he texts me out of selfishness (to have me thinking of him), ultimately I feel like it’s a final goodbye of types. In a very strange way… greeting the new year was maybe our goodbye.

– L

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