Love is a confusing thing. Even if someone were to devote their whole life to studying love and experiencing all the different kinds of love, I highly doubt he’d be an expert in all loves. I wish it were that easy, though. I wish there was some sort of manual that we could just.. search up how to act or behave or think when stuck in a specific situation. I suppose thats what your friends are in a way; encyclopedias of different experiences. While their advice and their opinion can help, sometimes it isn’t always exactly what you need to hear. Sometimes, the experience they can offer isn’t relatable to your situation, so what do you do then?
Ah… I don’t know. I hate writing so much about this sort of thing, because it just seems to overwhelm me and bring me to this melancholy place. I think at this point, I’m succumbed to the reality that this is it. That there is no more restarting this relationship and that this is the best thing for me. My heart has finally caught up to my mind. The abuse was just too much for it to take. And yet, I am a thinker. I’m always stuck in my own head. I can’t help but look at this and all things from all the possible sides I can. I can’t help but turn it in my mind and study it’s little details over and over again until I can understand it.
But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Love is something that you can’t just study and understand. I don’t think that I could ever study all the details enough and understand exactly why things went wrong or why things happened at all. Even if I had all the time in the universe, I don’t think I’d be anywhere farther on the subject than where I am now. Every time I think I’ve come to a conclusion or that I’ve hit a eureka moment, inevitably I start rethinking things from a different perspective and come to a different conclusion. This is just one of those rhetorical problems where no answer exists.
So, how do I escape my dilemma? How do you stop a thinker from thinking about the one thing you can’t come to a conclusion about?
The best answer I can give for myself is a distraction. Find something else. Find someone else. But my heart isn’t ready yet. My mind isn’t ready yet. Everything still rings a little of him. Yes, it’s true that things are better now and the memories are fading with time, but I still can’t help but think of him periodically.
Did I mention I had another dream about him? This time it was much more simple. Much more … general. I think at one point I must have woken up from my slumber and thought about him briefly before falling back into a dream state. All I can remember now was something to do with the fact that he was in the front passenger seat of a car, and that he was ignoring me, sitting in the back seat. That and the overwhelming feeling of guilt. And, taking a little pointer from real life, he was texting my friend who was sitting next to me. Talking about me.
I don’t know. This whole thing has really jump started something in me. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I mean, I guess I’ve always been alone, what with being an only child. But, now I’ve just been made aware of it. I can’t go back to the life I’ve led to this point. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to share myself with someone in a way that is meaningful. In the way that I thought we shared ourselves with each other.
How do I find that again? I mean, the last time was by pure fluke. Somehow we went from strangers to something a lot more meaningful and I don’t know how to recreate that. It’s like… witnessing turning water into gold and trying to scientifically recreate the same miracle. It’s just not going to happen. I mean, the circumstances are already changed. Before, I wasn’t looking for something. I went into the whole thing not expecting anything… not thinking about anything and definitely not looking for something. Now what? Now I know what I want and now I can’t turn that off. Just the fact that now I’m looking for someone changes the whole dynamics, doesn’t it?
I guess the most I can do is pray and hope that miracles happen more than once a lifetime. That somehow, just somehow, I’ll find someone that will want to share themselves with me and (maybe the more difficult challenge) someone I’d want to share myself wholly with.