I’m an unusual person. I’ve always felt growing up that I had some sort of … purpose. And I don’t just mean like, becoming a doctor or being a politician. I meant, I always felt like I was destined to be a part of some sort of magical story. Maybe it’s the result of reading too many fantasy books in my childhood, or maybe it’s the result of never quite feeling like I fit in. Don’t get me wrong, I was never ostracized as a child or teenager, but regardless of how involved I tried to be with my peers and how welcomed they tried to make me feel, I never quite got the impression that I belonged with them. I felt like an orange masquerading as an apple.
Anyways, I bring this up because I’ve always felt this bizarre connection with something bigger. Something magical. It’s not like I believe I have magical powers or anything, but sometimes I feel … in tune with the rest of the world. Sometimes I put my fingers on the floor of the yoga studio during our practice and I swear I can feel the pulse of the earth beneath them. I can feel the building breathing in with me and I can feel the wind filling my lungs up with air and telling me to keep going.
And maybe in part, it’s to do with the fact that I always dream fantastical dreams. Things that are so beyond my normal creativity. Things I could not come up with in my conscious state, but somehow endlessly churn out while asleep. Fantastical worlds with amazing creatures and a kind of love that can only exist in a dream-state. And although most my dreams have no rhyme or reason, sometimes they do. Like, for example, when I dream of someone I care about.
In the past, whenever I’d dream of someone I had feelings for, in less than a month those feelings would be gone. I don’t know how to explain it. Sometimes they would move, sometimes they’d show a side of them I couldn’t take or sometimes… I just stopped feeling the same way. I wish I could get a dial on this thing and maybe make it more profitable, but unfortunately it’s only good at predicting when my relationships end (however one-sided they may be).
So, I guess the perfect person for me would be the person I’d never dream about. Bizarre, isn’t it? I mean… dreaming about someone you love is completely normal, right? You think about them so much that it just becomes incorporated in your subconscious. So, how would I avoid this? It’s almost like I should give up hope of finding someone, because regardless of what happens I’m going to dream about them and they’re going to undoubtedly leave, one way or another.
Early into my relationship with him, I had a dream about us. It wasn’t particularly memorable or meaningful in itself. I think we were just in my father’s room for some reason and I was running my fingers through his wet hair. That was it. And yet, that simple dream meant much more. I woke up and started to panic immediately. This was still during that wonderful time when we were excitingly exploring a new relationship together, hand in hand. To get an omen like this crushed me and particularly so early on. I tried to just ignore it and prayed that he’d be the one to break the trend. That he’d be the one person that I could dream of and that would never leave… To break the curse, I guess.
I don’t think I’ve ever really told him about these dreams. I might have briefly mentioned it to him, but I don’t think I put much emphasis on how much it really affects me and more so, how much I actually believe it. More than likely he just took it as a funny coincidence or fluke, but it’s a lot more to me. For me… it’s an omen. And although each and every time, I shake the feeling off and tell myself that it means nothing, it invariably comes to an end. Each and every time.
This morning I had a dream about him. A very different kind of dream. A very … real dream. This is so unusual for me to have. I never have real dreams. Dreams that don’t have some fantastical premise at the very least. The only ‘real’ dreams I have are usually nightmares – the most memorable being where I tried to defend myself from my murderous mother while fighting with myself over hurting her and protecting myself.
Anyways, this dream… was so very different than anything else I’ve ever dreamt about anyone before. I dreamt that I opened my door and found him standing there, smirking at me as if to say, “you didn’t think I’d come, did you?”. I remember feeling panicked and slamming the door on him just so I could get another minute to think straight. And when I opened it up again, we were both laughing…
After that, my dream shifted into us being together. There we were sitting in a small room with my close friends and he’s holding me. And we are laughing. I’m playing with the hole in his jeans and he’s smiling into my neck.
Then suddenly, the dream changes and it’s filled with this feeling of animosity. I feel like it’s not going well. It feels like he can’t stand to be around me, like he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. Like it’s falling apart and I can’t figure out how to sew it back up together again.
I woke up feeling regret and sadness… but with a sense of it being complete now. With a feeling that the circle had finally closed and that things were the way they were supposed to be, even if it meant that we weren’t happy together. Even if it meant that we were back to be strangers again. Somehow, although I felt overbearing sadness… it was a kind of sadness that felt right. Like it belonged.
Then I went to work feeling like a cow chewing on cud.
I wake up, take a shower, with soap, and try to get through the day.