Hollowed out

I’m feeling really empty right now. 

I can’t really understand it, because on the surface it was a great day. I got to work early, spent the whole morning relaxing with a cup of coffee and enjoying downtown. The weather was chilly, but overall nice and sunny. I finished work early and I got to volunteering late (which is a good thing because I had a chance to grab something to eat before hand). 

And even better than that? I proudly packed up some presents to be shipped to some *fingers crossed* happy recipients. Homemade presents. Things that would normally make me proud to give to friends and family. I love that shit. 

But not today. For some reason, it just feels like something’s got a hook on my heart and is weighing it down. It has every reason to fly and yet here it is sinking. 

I can’t help but think about him still. I know that fundamentally it’s over. There’s no point in dragging it out – I will always want more and he will always want less. And yet, I can’t help but think about him. Hope he’s doing well. Wonder how his work is going. Think about whether or not he’s had his office party this year. Laugh when I recall the funny story he had from last year’s party. Choke back a sob when I think about who he’s sharing his funny story with now. 

God, why does heartbreak hurt so damned much? I’d like to think my pain tolerance its pretty good. I mean, I’ve lived through maybe 12 trips to the hospital with severe pain (health issues… ha). But this, this tears at me from the inside out. This just … rips me to shreds. I try so hard to bottle it up; to shove it deep down. And yet, it always resurfaces. It always threatens to consume me. I can’t take it … when will this pain stop? 

The best part about it is I don’t even think I miss him. I honestly think I just miss someone. Anyone. I miss having someone love me. I miss loving someone. I feel so … empty. 

It’s almost Christmas time and I still haven’t started feeling like it’s Christmas. I don’t know when I will… or even if I will. 

I wonder if the best present I can ask for this year is to have him… or to forget him. I can’t tell. 


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