What we deserve.

What do we deserve? 

Where do we get off telling ourselves that we deserve one thing or another? I get the feeling that more and more, our generation feels like we are entitled to something. Be it an education or good health or a decent job after graduation or good relationships with other people. Why do we feel this way and is it a just feeling? 

Recently, when I look back on my ‘failed relationship’, a little voice in the back of my head tells me that I “deserved better”. Well, do I? Do I actually deserve to be happy? I really don’t know. I think for a long time I thought that I did. That, well because I’m a good enough person that I should get a good enough happy ending. 

What I failed to realize then (and what I’m starting to see now) is that it isn’t always the case of whether or deserve something or not, but whether you’ve worked hard enough for it. Happiness is no exception.

Did I work hard enough to ensure I was happy in my ‘relationship’? I don’t know. I really don’t. And I don’t think I could answer that, ever. I’m not even sure I’m the right person to ask. In fact, I think the only person that could give you a correct answer to that would be a higher being that saw it all. Saw all the possible outcomes. Saw all my possible moves. 

I’d like to think I tried my best. I pushed past my fears of rejection and I went for it. I exposed my heart in ways I didn’t think possible all in order to try and take one step forward. I think… I really did try hard, if not my hardest, to make it work. 

But unlike education or getting a good job or exercising… successful relationships are not just built by the determination of a single person. It takes the determination of two people. And I don’t think my partner really wanted it like I did. Actually, I’m certain of it. 

So, what does that mean then? Well, possibly that the failure of our ‘relationship’ was inevitable. That we had drawn out something that would have just been simpler to ignore from the start. No… not for me though. It was a lesson well learned, if only my heart felt the same way. It’s having a hard time recuperating and getting out there again. But that’s okay, there’s no rush. I hope. 

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