I’m better today. Little by little, I’m getting there.
Yesterday a friend sent me a song on youtube. It was that new Pink song called “Try”. She said she liked the video and also the song, so she just sort of sent it to me. We do that a lot – share music.
Anyways, I just watched the video and marvelled at the dancing before she randomly quipped, “oh, crap. Sorry. Don’t read into the lyrics okay?” I had no idea what she was talking about (since the lyrics are pretty simple), so I thought she was making a joke about one of our mutual friends. He has a tendency to think that the songs you send him are literally for him, if you know what I mean.
Anyways, she clarified, “Don’t read into the lyrics and start thinking about Ray okay? Don’t go emo”. I have to admit, I chuckled a little.
The thing is, I used to do that all the time. Hear a song, think about him, relate it to the song and feel my heart sink. But this time, I was okay. It probably helps that I’ve heard the song a number of times on the radio on my way to work. But it wasn’t just that. It was also the fact that I think I’ve accepted the fact that we don’t have room in our lives for each other.
That doesn’t mean I don’t think about him constantly or that I don’t miss talking to him, but it means that my brain has won out over my heart. The emotional clouds are parting to reveal the logical sun. Regardless of how I feel about him, he doesn’t feel that way about me. Regardless of how much I want this to work out, he doesn’t. Simply put, it can’t work between us because one of us doesn’t want it and I can’t force him to feel a certain way.
Besides, even if I could… would I want that? No… I would hope someone would love me for me, and not because I forced them to. It’s all about the motive, no?