Addictions

Kicking a relationship to the curb is just like kicking any addiction. Think about it. Let’s compare relationships to smoking. Both have a huge impact on your daily lives.

1) You plan your days around when you get to see/talk/spend time with your significant other (SO from here on out) and most smokers I know plan their days around their next smoke break.

2) You can’t help but find your mind wandering to your SO throughout the day and thinking about what they’re doing or what they’re thinking at this moment. Just like how a smoker can’t help but think about when they’re going to go out next for their next puff.

3)  Quitting. Goddammit. Quitting a relationship – one that has got you through every single day for however long – is damned near impossible to do cold turkey. Needless to say, smoking is the same way.

So, yeah.. Can you guess what this post is about? I’m having withdrawal symptoms. My heart paces, I get all flushed and panicky while my hands shake. I can’t think about anything else, but  what it would be like if we were still talking. What I’m missing out on. Why can’t I call him? My fingers itch to punch those familiar numbers and actually, for once, hit dial.

I’m not a smoker, but I imagine quitting is about the same thing. I’ve known a number of people that were heavy smokers and attempted quitting a number of times. There are the successful ones that kept their heads on as straight as they could and powered through, and then there are the less successful that ultimately succumbed to the beck and call of their cravings. I wonder which I’ll be.

I’ve long since lost count, but if I were a smoker, I think this might be close to my 5+ attempt at quitting. I almost always crack and end up running back for a quick dose of my favourite drug – aka. I end up texting him. The only difference between this and a nicotine addiction is that in this scenario, the nicotine has the magical ability to speak and offer a little dose of itself to me – aka. he texts me out of the blue too.

When I was younger, my mother used to joke that I had an addictive personality. She might have been joking, but I think she recognized the characteristics fairly early on. Whenever I liked something I’d play with it until the damned thing broke or completely lost interest in it. I’d get addicted to new toys, television shows, music, books, etc.

As I grew up, I realized more and more of these characteristics in myself. There was the one time at a new year’s party where we were playing a simple ‘betting’ game. I ended up spending the ENTIRE night there and missed the countdown. Thankfully, no cash was involved in the game.

I also started to see these characteristics manifest in relationships (or potential relationships). When I was crushing on someone, I crushed hard. I’d think about them daily – almost every minute. I’d think about all these crazy scenarios of what it’d be like together. Literally any scenario from something like grabbing lunch together to having to deal with him confessing to be a thief and running from the law. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?

Anyways, I’ve over thought the relationship with Ray too. But to be honest, with my current job it’s impossible to not let my mind wander. Thinking about all these scenarios together was some of the only things that got me through the early days at work. If I didn’t have those thoughts, I wouldn’t have survived – I mean it.

So, now I don’t know what to do. I am trying my hardest to turn off that part of my brain, but it’s now accustomed to running through all these little story lines with him in it that it’s honestly on autopilot sometimes. I’ll catch myself in the middle of thinking of him turning up in my town with a batch of flowers and then realize, hell.. I’ve been thinking about him for a good 30 minutes. Shit. So much for quitting cold turkey.

But, I’ve got to give myself some credit. I’ve worked hard this last week to cut him out of my life and to stop myself from digging. I’ve gone 2 whole days (it’s not a lot to you, but it’s an eternity to me) without checking up on his tumblr or on his other blog accounts. It’s killing me. Even if he doesn’t post anything or say anything, it helped me get through the day knowing that I simply could check up on him. Fuck. I sound demented now, don’t I?

Ah well, all is fair in love and breaking up I suppose.

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