Okay, I hope you appreciate this post because I was having a good day, but I made myself recall everything that happened in the past and played some sulky music so that I’d be in the right mood to write this.
Yeah, I’m pretty close to tears right now, but it’s the only way I guess I can write this stuff down with it having any sort of resonance of truth. Okay, where did I leave off?
So, yes me and Ray had been pulling and pushing at each other like magnets. We were inexplicably drawn to each other even after we’d pull away so abruptly and so painfully. One second he’s calling me babe and asking me to marry him in his halfhearted joking way. The next, he’s not answering me – he’s just gone. We played at this thing called love for what seemed like an eternity. Thrust together and torn apart every few months. And at every point I wondered if it was worth it with someone that I hadn’t even met in person yet. Someone that I couldn’t possibly know and yet I felt like I had known my whole life. As if he was the missing piece I had been missing for my whole life. It felt like, just looking at him I knew he fit that empty void in my heart because all his sharp corners and his smoothed ridges perfectly matched the crevices of my heart.
So, I always went back. Each time I kept falling.. deeper and deeper. And every time he left, the climb back up became longer and harder and more painful. The scars it left in me became deeper and I slowly started to realize that if I kept at it, there’d be nothing left of me but scars and memories.
This time, this last time, I tried so hard to be just friends. Just. Friends. I knew I couldn’t see him that way… but I wanted to try regardless because I couldn’t imagine my life without him. It’s like being blind your whole life and one day waking up to see the beautiful sunrise. You can’t take that back. You can’t go back into the darkness. So I told myself, “just pretend and be the best friend you can be until one day… you just are the best friend you can be.”
I figured it would be enough if one of us pretended and the other was honestly wanting only friendship. Even now, I look back at that and realize how foolish I was. Who was pretending? Who was being honest? I think we were both pretending. Both hiding our feelings and hoping that if we just held out long enough that it’d just change into some unspoken memory and we’d just become one with the masks that we wore.
And of course… it didn’t work. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here crying now, would I? I don’t know how I’ve come to this point, but I realize that this just has to stop. As much as it pains me to realize I will never hear his voice again, I’ll never hear him say “tira” to me and that I’ll never say “misu” back to him, I’ll never hear his cheesy puns again, and that I’ll never ever see him in person… that he will never – ever – say “I love you” to me…. it has to be done.
What makes it so utterly definite this time? You won’t believe it, because I hardly do. Feeling more lonely than ever and having so much free time in the evenings now, I turned to finding out more of him online. I admit this is very … questionable, but I was hurting and I guess anything that brought me closer to him (albeit, without his knowledge) made it all hurt just a little less. So, I searched up his typical handles, found some of his friends, actually found some old pictures of him and found some more information about his family that he hadn’t told me. I know this is very… scary to you readers. Was I that obsessed with someone to dig deep enough to find all this random crap? But please, realize I was in so much … pain. Somehow this ‘task’ gave me something to spend my time on while at the same time keeping him near. It kept me busy and it kept him on my mind.
But, what I found wasn’t just pictures, blogs and old poems. What I found was release. In particular, I found an old picture of him where he was actually smiling. Smiling. He looked so happy. I’ve never seen him smiling. He’d tell me that he didn’t like his smile or that he just … couldn’t, but here it was. A beautiful smile. And … beside him, a beautiful girl.
Now, why does this make any difference? It was years ago, she’s probably not a major player in his life anymore… but it hit me hard. I realized right then and there what I was to him and what he was to me varied so greatly, that it defined and shaped our relationship – whatever that may be.
To him, I had been just another girl. I’m not saying that I didn’t mean something to him or that he may not have possibly loved me even, but he’s loved others too. I hold no special place in his heart that isn’t held by another girl for a different reason maybe. But he will always hold a special place in my heart. For me, he wasn’t just one guy in a million. He was the only guy in the world. He was the only person I’ve ever come close to loving whole-heartedly. To me, he was better than I would have ever imagined. He was like … expecting a knight in shinning armour and actually finding a cavalry of white knights charging to your rescue.
And for that reason, I am so utterly beyond naive. For one, I thought love was some incomparable force that could solve all problems and bring the two right people together. I thought it could overcome all obstacles like distance and time. On top of that, I thought that I was just as special to him as he was to me. I’m not saying that I wasn’t, but I don’t think I meant the same to him as he did to me.
The final kicker? I thought that he and love and us… I thought it would save me from whatever it was that I needed saving from. I thought it would sweep in and save me. I thought that some one or some relationship could do that. And that is where I am so utterly wrong. So. Utterly. Foolish. Because, the only one that can save you from anything, is yourself. And that is a hard lesson to learn, but one that comes with first recognizing that it is all in your own hands.
Good night WP. My tears are dried now and I am all cried out. My story is told and I will move on from it.