Going away on a jet plane (or in a car)

So, as it turns out a lot as changed since July, as usual. I did eventually get off my ass and start studying for the GMAT. James took me to Vancouver with him while he went on a work trip and I started studying in the hotel. I spent a good 2.5 months studying every single day, taking practice tests, and just overall stressing about the test.

Around the beginning of September, I finally committed to booking the test and booked for the end of September. September 28th, to be specific.

I’m not going to say that I studied hard or was focused every single day, but I think I did work hard overall. I was dedicated to it. I wrote down every question I got wrong on the practice tests and went over them to figure out where I went wrong. I took it seriously. Maybe a little too seriously.

Well, soon it was the day before the exam. I took the morning to go over some of the verbal concepts quickly before heading out in the afternoon to pick up some granola bars for the day of and checking out the testing center. Then I sat myself in front of the computer and watched a movie. Or two. Eh.

The day of, I booked an afternoon test, so I stayed home and watched more Bojack Horseman until lunch. We had noodles, then I immediately felt ill. I had to run to the bathroom maybe 2 or 3 times, even after I arrived at the testing center. I guess the nerves got to me.

When I sat it and wrote it, it went decently well. I powered through the Integrated Analysis section pretty quickly. There were a few questions on there that I wasn’t sure if I got correct, but I took the advice of previous testers and skipped 2 questions to give myself enough time to really focus on the other questions.

Then I had my essay. It was a more difficult topic than I had anticipated (most of the practice exam questions were very straight forward), but I think I pumped out a good essay with good supports and strong vocabulary. Also, it was decently long.

After that, I took a break and felt confident. Next section was Quant, and I needed all my confidence to face that. Well, sitting through it, I immediately felt stressed. I felt like the questions were either extremely easy or that I had absolutely no inkling on how to answer them. There were almost ZERO rate questions (which I had focused my last months’ studying on) and mostly number property questions, which I hate. Even though I felt stressed, I managed my time fine and didn’t run out (like I had been doing all week before).

The quant. section shook me going into Verbal, so I took the break to grab some water and try to settle my nerves. When I sat it, I hardly paid attention to the questions. I think I started to feel the mental fatigue and I was operating on automatic.

When I finished, I was given the option to view the final mark. I figured, why not… I did allow myself enough time to take another exam in 2 weeks time if needed. Well, shit… When I saw the final mark I said out loud, “What!”… good thing I didn’t disrupt anyone else in the testing center (everyone had left by then).

I got a 690!!! That’s a pretty incredible score, especially considering that my Verbal put me in the 93rd percentile! Quant was at a dismal 48 percentile, but hey, I didn’t care because I scored the highest overall mark for the quant. that I had ever scored (41).

Anyways, immediately after my GMAT exam, my friend from Quebec and her husband came into town, so I spent the first two weeks of October hanging out with them before finally getting down to applications. I’ve been working on them since then.

Well, sorta. This past week, I’ve been finishing up final touches on things and had an interview with York (Schulich Business School). 2 hours after the interview, they sent me an email saying that they’d like to offer me admission to the MBA program to start in January. EEPS!

Over the weekend, I’ve been a bundle of nerves and stress because it’s starting to get real. This vague vision of doing my MBA is starting to crystallize and it’s becoming more and more likely that the path will take me away from Home. For some reason, I’ve been totally unprepared for that.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave Home or J. I don’t know if I want to go to Toronto anymore… even if it means giving up an opportunity to study at a top school. He thinks I should go, because it’s a good opportunity, but at the same time he thinks I should stay if it’s causing me so much stress planning the move to Toronto in less than 2 months.

At the moment, I’m still undecided. I just confirmed another interview with Western (Ivey Business School), so if that goes well I may have a new offer on the table as well. Western has it’s pluses; it’s a one year program, it’s another top school, and the program starts in March instead of January. With York though, it’s hard to give up the comfort of being in a city that I’m at least sort of familiar with, surrounded by high school friends, and in a rent-free apartment (from my parents). But, that being said, it’s a 2 year (16-20 month) program… it’s longer for sure. And it’s more expensive than staying at home.

Staying at home means I can do the program part-time, work the full-time, save A LOT more money, be with Jimmy, be with friends, and not make any big changes. But, it’s hard for me to give up the opportunity to go to a top school…. But it’s also hard for me to give up J for a full year. And the plans to have a house together. And totally demolishing my life’s savings.

*sigh*. Life is hard sometimes.

 

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My cat is gone today

I don’t know what to say.

Last night I stayed over at J’s house and today, when I got back at 8 am, my mom was in a tizzy because the cat had thrown up, pooped, and was not able to walk. He seemed lethargic and like he was in pain.

We ended up taking him to an emergency vet hospital, where they said he was likely suffering from acute renal trauma. Rascal as always had kidney problems, diabetes and a heart murmur, so it wasn’t really surprising.

After discussing with my parents for about 3 hours, we decided that any further treatment would just end up putting Rascal through more pain and even then, the doctor’s weren’t sure that he’d make it through the night nor that he’d even be back to where he was prior to the incident.

We got a few minutes to say goodbye and I wanted so badly to change my mind or take it back. He was swaddled in a blanket and not moving much, but his eyes were open and I think he recognized us. I hope he did. When mom got up to throw something out, Rascal peeked is head over to see her. I tried to calm him down, but he wasn’t purring. He didn’t look like he was ready to go, just tired. He never would have let me hold him like that though if he wasn’t in a lot of pain/exhausted.

I held him in my arms as it happened. It was awful… he looked tired and then he looked scared when the doctor injected the first medication to sleep.

I’m really going to miss him. I don’t want to forget what type of cat he was. He was an absolutely fantastic pet. He never bit (unless he was just fed up with you), never scratched furniture, was as bright as a bulb and was just … the best pet you could ask for. He learned tricks and caught on to things so quickly (like that one time he peed in the shower when my dad forgot to bring the litter box back in).

I’m going to miss catching him snoozing all over the house, or letting him out in the backyard. I’m going to miss snuggling with him, even though he hated it. I’m going to miss tossing him over my shoulder, like only I could. Or giving him neck massages until he purred. I also never want to forget how much of a pig he was … but also how much of a little warrior he was. He was still catching voles up until today.

I don’t know what to do with myself now that I know we’ll never find him curled up in a ball at the bottom of the stairs. I’m going to miss being able to scratch his nose or watch him sleep. Just yesterday he was sleeping on the kitchen chairs while I was baking. He looked so peaceful and I remember thinking, “this is nice… I could get used to life at this speed”. I never thought he was going to pass away… I always thought and planned to take him with J and I when we moved out. I even figured that if we got a new kitten, Rascal would have to learn to get along with it.

A few years ago when he was dealing with bloody urine, I remember talking to him and asking him to tell me before it was his time. To let me know… he didn’t. This came suddenly out of the blue for me… though maybe I wasn’t listening or watching hard enough. I’m sorry for that. I feel like I’ve failed him. Maybe if we caught it earlier this or last week he’d be okay. Or maybe we’d just be prolonging the inevitable.

I really hope Rascal knew how much we loved him and I hope that he was okay when he went. I know he must have been scared, but I hope that at least he was comfortable..

I thought this post would be so much longer. That there would be more to say or more to reminisce over. Maybe I’m too sad to write it all, but I want to so I don’t forget how special he was. I don’t think I’ll ever find another cat as cute, warm, smart, clever, annoying, hungry or as much of a family member as Rascal. Even mom said that we will never find as good  of a cat as Rascal. He was so good… So smart and such a unique personality.

What am I going to do without him?

It’s been a week.

Today is Monday. It’s been a full week of staying home and being unemployed. What does that consist of, exactly? A lot of sleeping in and watching “Friends” on Netflix, apparently.

There were lists made and plans too… Things like cleaning my car, organizing my room, organizing my crafting stuff, starting up an Etsy business, etc. but none of it is happening yet. As I feared, I’ve let myself slip into the lull of doing nothing. I’m a lazy asshole, apparently.

Actually, to be a little nicer to myself, I have to admit that the first week I was actually really anxious about not doing anything and I felt awful. I felt like I made a huge mistake. I didn’t feel the relief that everyone promised me I’d feel after leaving a stressful job. I was also certain that I’d still have at least one or two more phone calls from work “by accident”… You know, staff that called in sick and forgot, or other families calling me to check details. Nothing. Makes me feel really replaceable…

The nice thing is that near the end of last week, I had things to do and people to see. I met up with Sam on Thursday, went to the gym Friday, and go my hair done. I’ve dyed it a plum purple, though honestly it’s so … muted, it is hard to tell it’s not just light brown/blonde. I’m a little disappointed, but I did choose the cheapest salon (200$ for cut and dye) so I guess I got what I paid for. I don’t hate the color, but I don’t like it… I did want something more vibrant.

Today, I want to think that I did better. I cleaned my car (thoroughly, with the upholstery cleaner) and then cleaned the carpets in the house too. It took a good 3 hours and I’m pretty proud of my work. I was sweating my balls off the whole time… sweat was literally dripping off my nose.

Tomorrow, my plan is to do a few things: gym, cancel AMA, find new health benefits plan, and maybe bake either some macarons or … who knows.

The rest of the week I’m planning to focus on organizing and cleaning up my room, donating anything that I don’t want anymore, and maybe start researching the GMAT. I also have plans to go hang out with Henry on Thursday and then hiking on Friday /w Lily.

Fingers crossed things work out okay. In my mind, I’m considering this week the second week of my vacation, so I’m not really putting the pressure on to jump back into job search yet. Maybe that’s a mistake, but at this point I don’t really care. I wanted this time off and I am going to try my hardest to enjoy it. I need to change my mindset, as J. always says.

  • L

Tomorrow is Monday.

And today is Sunday.

I spent the full weekend with J. and my friends. The topic of me being unemployed came up maybe just one time and it was quick.

But I thought about it a lot. And it made me really sad for a while… The best way I could come up with to describe the whole feeling was like this:

The last few years that I was working at PASC, it felt like I was running faster than my legs could carry me. I was always afraid of running out of momentum and stumbling over my feet; then the whole world would crash down on me. All my sins would catch up with me.

Even these last couple of weeks of training felt the same way. I was so busy running around and just doing things that I didn’t realize that I was running towards the cliff until I had fallen off it entirely.

Well, not yet, I guess. At the moment it still feels like the weekend, so that feeling of falling hasn’t quite hit me yet. I’m scared how hard it’ll hit me tomorrow, though. Or maybe it won’t hit me tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and it’ll just feel like I’ve called in sick or like a long weekend. Maybe it won’t hit me until next week. Or if I’m lucky, maybe it won’t hit me at all.

The truth is though, it’s probably good that it hits me … and hard. Otherwise, I’m scared I won’t be motivated to get a new job or a new life. That I’ll just get stuck in a rut of crying to myself or moping around.

J. is trying to be as supportive as ever. He’s really pushing me (pretty damn hard) to set up a schedule of activities to keep me busy. He’s trying to really sell it as ‘FUN-employment,’ but I’m devastated. I feel like a failure; like I wasn’t strong enough or big enough to keep my job.

Anyways, I’ll be updating this more often likely. I’ve got nothing else to do.

  • L

So, I left.

Eh…. I feel kinda badly for not updating this too much, but I’ve been writing in my physical journal a lot more, so I don’t feel that badly. I’m not exactly sure why I need two journals going simultaneously. I mean if I ever want to look back, it would be hard to really figure out what was happening to me for the past couple of years b/c I’ve split my attention between two things. Eh. I should just stick to WordPress, I think.

Anyways, I’ve got some big updates, as usual:

I left my job. Well, technically I’m still here. I’m actually sitting in the Family Room writing this on the work laptop. I gotta remember to wipe it clean of my digital fingerprints afterwards too haha. But yes, I am quitting. I gave notice about a month ago and I have just 2 weeks left. This and next week and then I’m done.

What is my plan for after? Well, shit, I don’t have one. I know it’s scary… I mean, I’m scared right now thinking about it. Every once in a while I’ll start freaking out and J. has to talk me down off the ledge, so to speak. My emotions are a bit all over the place; sometimes I want to run back to my boss and take back my resignation, other days I’m thinking about just not showing up to work anymore.

Sorry, I got sidetracked. What am I doing after? Well, I don’t have another job lined up, if that’s you’re wondering. I had started looking and applying seriously for work in January, but nothing came of it. I didn’t get a single call back or interview, so at the time I thought I’d just tough it out at work while I kept looking… but then things got worse. Work just became more and more stressful. Things /w one client became so stressful, that I’d go home and cry all evening b/c I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I was so frustrated that there was no light at the end of the tunnel and that all I could imagine was living through this hell for the rest of my life.

J. was really concerned about me at this time and for a while, was really pushing me to find another job to jump into. After some time though, he realized that I was in such a miserable place that it would be better for me to leave first. It may have also had something to do with me breaking down and crying in front of my boss and my staff (on two separate occasions) while at work.

So, we decided that I’d look into work for a few months and if nothing came of it, I could work on my GMAT and take the MBA near the end of the year/start of next year. J. has been reassuring me that the MBA will open many more doors for me, but I’m a little nervous.

I’m worried that the MBA will open doors to the wrong paths and that I’m walking away from the opportunity to do something that may be more up my alley. Something that I can throw myself into heart and soul…

Lately, I’ve been practicing calligraphy, watercolour, etc. I’ve been really getting in touch with my crafty side and I love it… I wonder if there’s a way I can market this. Part of the reason is b/c I’ve seen one of my friend’s friend (A’s friend P) make a small business out of her sewing. For god’s sake, she just sews baby bibs and small pouches, but she’s stocking stores across the province! I’m pretty impressed… Then again, she has a day job still as a project coordinator.

The thing is, this whole experience makes me really question who I am and what really drives me or motivates me. It makes me question what my meaning is. As in, what brings meaning to my life and what drives me. I think I put a lot of weight into my job giving me meaning and defining my life. It shouldn’t though… I just don’t know how else to define myself and it is the easiest way to define someone, isn’t it? He’s a doctor. She’s a teacher, etc.

Who am I? I’m not really sure anymore. I know I like crafty things and it makes me feel alive. Creating things with my hands just … wakes me up! I will gladly work on my projects until the wee hours of the morning and it’s actually fun. Tedious tasks are actually a lot of fun and take all of my focus. It’s also something I’m willing to learn.

I also know I like to teach. I like to be an expert in something and then share that knowledge with people. It’s probably b/c I am a bossy bossy butt :).

Other than those 2 things, I’m not sure what else I want to do… I don’t think it’s very safe or feasible to make a career out of selling crafts. Someone once told me that it’s better to make a career or business on something that can sell itself; it’s hard to make a business on something that is reliant upon your talent. It’s limited by your ability to make time to create something… but if you invest in a product that will make itself money, say writing a book, then the money will always be made for you while you can work on another project.

Maybe I just need to write a book about my awful dating experiences, if only I can remember them.

– L

Doubts

I have many doubts.

To be completely honest, I’m not sure how I feel about J. I like spending time with him and he makes me laugh, but in a pinch… I’m not sure if I can tell him everything.

For example, I’m struggling a lot with my parents lately. Living with them continuously for the past 27 years has left me very drained. I can’t do it anymore, simply put. The thing is, J. knows this and yet… nothing. I mean, he tries to listen to me but that’s all he can do, apparently.

At one point this year, I decided that the only solution was to move out. I had made the assumption that J. would move with me. I don’t know if I should have made that assumption, because now… I don’t think he will. I mean he says he will, but I know he’s comfortable at home.

Here’s the other thing too. He hasn’t taken any initiative to help me find a place and has basically put it as this, “if you want to move out you should. I’ll move in with you,” meaning essentially that he doesn’t care one way or another. Aka. he doesn’t really want to live with me – he can do with or without it.

Well, shit. Why the fuck am I here then? I’m with someone who can either live with or without me, then what’s the whole fucking point?

I know if I say anything, I’m over-thinking it. If I say anything, I’m the irrational one. He’s always got some sort of rational, logical response for things that to me, are irrational and illogical… like feelings.

I’m starting to feel that he’s with me because I’m a cool chick and why not. “Why not just settle down with this one. I mean, she’s sorta funny and she’s easy enough on the eyes. We don’t always agree and she sometimes annoys me, but it’s alright. I can learn to live with that.”

Honestly, right now I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m hurt.

And best part is that he hasn’t had to say a single thing to make me feel like shit. Why am I here again?

Feelings or People?

I know I wrote about this in my physical journal, but I’d like to have this on WordPress for some reason too. I think, it’s just kind of the logical thing. I’m not entirely sure why… It’s just a feeling.

So, my post was about a revelation. I’ve had a revelation about my relationships and about my feelings.

  1. R. = Sad. Fantasy/Movie plots. You know how sometimes you feel like watching a movie that makes you reach for the tissue box because it’s just so tragic but oh so good? Like the Notebook (that one doesn’t really do it for me though). Or like 500 Days of Summer? That’s what R. was is to me. It’s a love story that is only a story because of the tragic nature.

If you could sum people or relationships up as emotions, he would be sadness. Everything about the time I shared with him was tinged with sadness. Every memory is coloured blue. I look back and I think fondly of him, but I also feel that sadness still. And the funny thing? It’s addictive. It totally is. That’s why for the longest time I was still wallowing in the ‘break-up’. There’s something that appeals to the dramatic in me.

I still sometimes look back at it. Just like sometimes you want to play a sad movie and cry a little for no reason. Every once in a while, I’ll pop that VHS video of our memories in and I’ll watch it in my head. I’ll think about what it was like to be loved by someone I barely knew. I’ll think about our Romeo and Juliette romance. And then the movie will end, I will get up off the couch and I’ll continue on with my life. I’ll forget the plot again, until I get the urge to pop that VHS video back in.

2. J. = Happiness. Reality. J feels like something different altogether. It’s like I’m watching a cute romance comedy, where two strangers become to lovers. It’s the type of movie that I want to watch regularly and that I always watch. It is my norm.

J. is happiness. J. is About Time. J. is my favourite romance movie that I will watch over and over. It is filled with brightness, colour, and hope. People are happy. The heroine gets her man and vice versa. Things are how they should be. J. is how it should be and I know it.

I don’t want to only sometimes enjoy this movie. I love this movie and I want to watch it over and over again. You can say it’s my favourite movie. If the sad romance stories are addictive, then the happy ones are like air. It’s more than addictive. It’s sustaining.

I’m not sure if I’m honestly making all that much sense in this post. I just wanted to encapsulate my feelings on the matter. I wanted to say that when I think about it, the story with R. was very dramatic. Very sad. Very much the things tragic romances are written about. It affects me deeply and I’m sure it has changed who I am and how I approach life. He came around at a time in my life when I was sad. When the sadness and depression was pervasive and overwhelming. At the time I thought he helped lift it, but I realize that I was drawn to him and him to I because of it. We were like moths attracted to each other’s sadness. We floated around each other and thought that we were helping pull each other out, but now I realize that we were just holding on to each other while still drowning. Sometimes I still look back at it, but that’s because we’re all a little sad sometimes.

But that’s the key. We’re sad sometimesNo one wants to be sad forever. I want to be happy the majority of the time. A drowning man isn’t going to say no to the hand that reaches down to pull him out of the water, even if he has someone to keep him company while drowning.

J. was my rescuer. He pulled me out of the water, wrapped my heart up in a warm blanket and given me nourishment. He isn’t going to let me keep drowning or say that it’s okay to drown. He’s going to boink me on the head with the oar and say, “look, you’re drowning. Don’t be a dolt and grab on to the oar,”.

It sounds like my story with R. is so much more dramatic and epic than my story with J. And you know what? It is. It is because that’s what stories are. Stories aren’t written about people who have everything going right for them. Where there is no conflict or struggle. There’s no stories about JUST the happily ever after. It’s only about HOW they got to the happily ever after.

J. is my happily ever after and I couldn’t be happier.

– L.