Doubts

I have many doubts.

To be completely honest, I’m not sure how I feel about J. I like spending time with him and he makes me laugh, but in a pinch… I’m not sure if I can tell him everything.

For example, I’m struggling a lot with my parents lately. Living with them continuously for the past 27 years has left me very drained. I can’t do it anymore, simply put. The thing is, J. knows this and yet… nothing. I mean, he tries to listen to me but that’s all he can do, apparently.

At one point this year, I decided that the only solution was to move out. I had made the assumption that J. would move with me. I don’t know if I should have made that assumption, because now… I don’t think he will. I mean he says he will, but I know he’s comfortable at home.

Here’s the other thing too. He hasn’t taken any initiative to help me find a place and has basically put it as this, “if you want to move out you should. I’ll move in with you,” meaning essentially that he doesn’t care one way or another. Aka. he doesn’t really want to live with me – he can do with or without it.

Well, shit. Why the fuck am I here then? I’m with someone who can either live with or without me, then what’s the whole fucking point?

I know if I say anything, I’m over-thinking it. If I say anything, I’m the irrational one. He’s always got some sort of rational, logical response for things that to me, are irrational and illogical… like feelings.

I’m starting to feel that he’s with me because I’m a cool chick and why not. “Why not just settle down with this one. I mean, she’s sorta funny and she’s easy enough on the eyes. We don’t always agree and she sometimes annoys me, but it’s alright. I can learn to live with that.”

Honestly, right now I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m hurt.

And best part is that he hasn’t had to say a single thing to make me feel like shit. Why am I here again?

Feelings or People?

I know I wrote about this in my physical journal, but I’d like to have this on WordPress for some reason too. I think, it’s just kind of the logical thing. I’m not entirely sure why… It’s just a feeling.

So, my post was about a revelation. I’ve had a revelation about my relationships and about my feelings.

  1. R. = Sad. Fantasy/Movie plots. You know how sometimes you feel like watching a movie that makes you reach for the tissue box because it’s just so tragic but oh so good? Like the Notebook (that one doesn’t really do it for me though). Or like 500 Days of Summer? That’s what R. was is to me. It’s a love story that is only a story because of the tragic nature.

If you could sum people or relationships up as emotions, he would be sadness. Everything about the time I shared with him was tinged with sadness. Every memory is coloured blue. I look back and I think fondly of him, but I also feel that sadness still. And the funny thing? It’s addictive. It totally is. That’s why for the longest time I was still wallowing in the ‘break-up’. There’s something that appeals to the dramatic in me.

I still sometimes look back at it. Just like sometimes you want to play a sad movie and cry a little for no reason. Every once in a while, I’ll pop that VHS video of our memories in and I’ll watch it in my head. I’ll think about what it was like to be loved by someone I barely knew. I’ll think about our Romeo and Juliette romance. And then the movie will end, I will get up off the couch and I’ll continue on with my life. I’ll forget the plot again, until I get the urge to pop that VHS video back in.

2. J. = Happiness. Reality. J feels like something different altogether. It’s like I’m watching a cute romance comedy, where two strangers become to lovers. It’s the type of movie that I want to watch regularly and that I always watch. It is my norm.

J. is happiness. J. is About Time. J. is my favourite romance movie that I will watch over and over. It is filled with brightness, colour, and hope. People are happy. The heroine gets her man and vice versa. Things are how they should be. J. is how it should be and I know it.

I don’t want to only sometimes enjoy this movie. I love this movie and I want to watch it over and over again. You can say it’s my favourite movie. If the sad romance stories are addictive, then the happy ones are like air. It’s more than addictive. It’s sustaining.

I’m not sure if I’m honestly making all that much sense in this post. I just wanted to encapsulate my feelings on the matter. I wanted to say that when I think about it, the story with R. was very dramatic. Very sad. Very much the things tragic romances are written about. It affects me deeply and I’m sure it has changed who I am and how I approach life. He came around at a time in my life when I was sad. When the sadness and depression was pervasive and overwhelming. At the time I thought he helped lift it, but I realize that I was drawn to him and him to I because of it. We were like moths attracted to each other’s sadness. We floated around each other and thought that we were helping pull each other out, but now I realize that we were just holding on to each other while still drowning. Sometimes I still look back at it, but that’s because we’re all a little sad sometimes.

But that’s the key. We’re sad sometimesNo one wants to be sad forever. I want to be happy the majority of the time. A drowning man isn’t going to say no to the hand that reaches down to pull him out of the water, even if he has someone to keep him company while drowning.

J. was my rescuer. He pulled me out of the water, wrapped my heart up in a warm blanket and given me nourishment. He isn’t going to let me keep drowning or say that it’s okay to drown. He’s going to boink me on the head with the oar and say, “look, you’re drowning. Don’t be a dolt and grab on to the oar,”.

It sounds like my story with R. is so much more dramatic and epic than my story with J. And you know what? It is. It is because that’s what stories are. Stories aren’t written about people who have everything going right for them. Where there is no conflict or struggle. There’s no stories about JUST the happily ever after. It’s only about HOW they got to the happily ever after.

J. is my happily ever after and I couldn’t be happier.

– L.

Silly little post…

I just needed somewhere to write this down.

I found out recently that there was a rape-scandal related to a YouTuber that I used to follow when I was younger. Tobuscus.

I’m not going to go into the details, because the details are kind of available all over the internet and I know in a few years, I won’t care.

This sort of situation bothers me. I’m not entirely sure. Basically, it seems to be a he-said-she-said situation. I guess, I’m a little surprised how different people become over a seemingly short period of time. Toby seems to have changed since I started watching him in like 2007. Or perhaps not. But it makes me think…

He may not have raped anyone, but he hasn’t been a great person. He’s been a known cheater (though not known to me – I haven’t been following him in years) and drug abuser. He treats his girlfriends poorly, apparently, and is a manipulative asshole. But being an asshole doesn’t automatically convict you of being a rapist. The jury on that is still out.

The thing is, I couldn’t help but think about Karma. I’m not saying AT ALL that this is deserved. Or that in general, a rape accusation is deserved if you’re a bad person. No. That’s not it. What I can’t help thinking though, is that if you choose to live the life of an asshole – if you choose to treat people badly continuously, if you choose to use people, if you choose to hurt people, if you choose to be cruel to your friends, if you choose to be an out of control drug addict – it doesn’t matter if you’re truly guilty or not. It makes it THAT MUCH EASIER for the public to convict you.

Let’s face it, whether you’re actually guilty or not, it doesn’t really matter in the real world. In the real world, all that really matters is other people’s opinions. The fact that it COULD be true, is enough to change their opinion of you. It’s enough to put a scent of question around you. It’s enough to change the perception of you, just enough that you feel it walking into the room, like changing the temperature by 5 degrees.

I’m not sure what the story is here. I’m not sure if he’s really guilty or not. I’d like to believe not, because I’d like to believe that rape doesn’t happen in my happy little world, but the truth is that it does. I don’t know if the truth is that Toby is a rapist or not, but … Doesn’t matter now. Forever, in my mind anyways, my opinion of him has changed. I will always look at him a little differently now. I will always look at him and recall all the comments made about how he is a cheater, verbally abusive, mean, rude, self-centered, etc. etc. etc. It is so much harder to see the positives with all of these other truths coming out.

Anyways, sorry for the random post. Not really great considering I haven’t updated in forever. I’ve gotten more into updating in my physical journal again – gotten into fountain pens and calligraphy, so I need more excuses to write 🙂

 

= L

Condo update

So, I mentioned a couple of blog entries ago that I was going to talk to J. about buying that condo together. Well, I did. Before that though, I thought about it further and decided that I really wasn’t ready to take the financial plunge of buying a place together. I may trust that we last a long time, but I don’t want to risk the money. What IF we break up? Then what happens to our condo? What happens to the money? Putting money into a place when you haven’t even dated more than a year is kind of risky. 

We talked that evening and we came to the agreement that we’d rent for a year or so until we were more comfortabe with our relationship. Or until it is more socially acceptable to buy a place haha… 

But, then comes the next struggle. I think J. is quite happy living at home. He has a good set up; he doesn’t pay rent and his parents cook, clean and do his laundry for him. I guess I also have a good set up, except that I don’t get along with my parents at all and am desperate to leave. The problem then? Well, he’s not in a rush to look. In fact, he hasn’t looked once since we talked to each other about it and that was almost a month ago. I’ve looked. A lot. 

The thing is, I feel like I put aside my dream of home ownership (and more importantly, a home away from my parents) for him. I thought we could rent together and then I’d get both things that I want. He’s just so comfortable with not moving… I’m not sure this is going to happen at all. I feel like we’ll be dating a full year or more before we move into a place togheter. That in itself isn’t an issue; it’s just that I’ve been looking to move out on my own for over a year now. It’s actually closing in on 2.5 years now.

A part of me wonders if I should have just gone for that place on my own. Sure my budget would be tight (I’d only be saving 800$ per month, or less). Still, at least I would have something that was my own. It’s like I told Pris, I don’t feel like I have a place of my own. Even my room… My mom will just invite herself in whenever she wants. They come in and move my stuff around to ‘clean’, but then everything is all over th eplace and I don’t know where stuff is. On top of that, my mom’s memory is so bad she doesn’t remember even going into my room – even if it’s clear she has. 

I’m fed up. I want my own place. I want a home. 

I just wish he would understand me. 

OnePlus One: Always Settle.

If you can’t tell from the title of the post what this is going to be about, then I feel sorry for you bro.

This is going to be a very unhappy, complaint filled post about my smartphone. Last year in April, I purchased a OnePlus One. The first red flag I should have acknowledged was that they didn’t ship to Canada. They also required a stupid invitation, which I was lucky enough to snag from a friend of a friend.

When I finally (after a number of mishaps) got the phone in my hands, I have to admit… it was a beauty to look at. It didn’t feel cheaply made. It had a good heft in my hand and the screen was nice and big (bigger than the actual entirety of my dad’s iPhone 5s).

Trouble started shortly after though. In the first week, I noticed that images would often burn into the screen. For example, if I was using a particular website for more than 10 minutes, there would be a ghost of the page left on my screen after I’d return to the home screen. It was annoying, but I just accepted it as fact when I couldn’t find anything online about it.

Then I started having issues with the camera. Essentially, the damn thing only works when it feels like it. I’ve honestly missed so many chances to capture memories because of my phone’s finicky camera. Sometimes I’ll open it up and I get a warning saying that the phone can’t detect the camera. Well, thanks. I missed the opportunity to take pictures of my cousin walking down the aisle. Yep. Never settle, eh?

Then, my phone suddenly bricked sometime in August/September last year. For no damn reason. Just up and bricked itself. One day it was working and literally in the evening, it just stopped. Turned off and I couldn’t turn the damned thing back on again. I plugged it in overnight, tried again in the morning… Nada. I opened a ticket and they kept telling me to do things that weren’t even feasible (“can you open up the boot menu?”… “No, because the whole thing will not turn on!” … “Can you try hard resetting it?” … “No, because I can’t turn it on, period.”). Super unhelpful support team at OnePlus.

In the end, I found the forum to be a lot more helpful. Thankfully people in the community were also having the same problem. I tried their little tactic of draining it for 3 days and then charging it for 3 days straight. It worked! Thank god. Honestly though, that entire week without a phone was like death though. I need my phone for work, so I had to put my sim card into a borrowed phone and then my crappy Samsung Galaxy 3 (which, I’ll point out, lasted 3 years before slowly becoming senile).

For the last few months, I’ve had a few more nice little bugs pop up. The biggest problem is that my call quality is next to nothing. It’s not an issue with the calls I’m receiving – it’s how I sound on the other end. Apparently no one can hear me. There’s always an echo or it sounds robotic. I’ve moved my sim card around to different phones and it’s not the service provider or my reception. It’s the effing phone. The thing that bothers me most about this, is the fact that I need my phone for work. I use it daily. I make work related phone calls from it constantly. The one function it’s supposed to have (namely, making phone calls), it can’t do. What’s the point of having a smartphone then?

The other fun problem that’s reared it’s head this past week and half is that my home and menu buttons stop working after opening up Whatsapp. I’ve had to restart my phone a total of 3x a day. It’s frustrating. It’s also starting to ‘freeze’ or lag. I’ll open an app and it will take a good minute to actually open it. If I get anxious and start tapping away on the screen, the whole thing just freeze and I have to restart the damned phone. Can I point out that I’ve had this phone for less than a year???

So, what am I going to do? Well, what I’m good at. I’m going to bitch and moan, because that’s what I do. Then I’m going to tell OnePlus this one important thing:

I’m never going to purchase a phone from you again and I’ll make sure everyone else I know also doesn’t.

See, the one thing that really bothers me about OnePlus isn’t the fact that their phone is crap. It’s the fact that they touted this thing as a “flagship killer” and they run with the motto “never settle”. I feel like the only thing I’ve been doing with this phone since I’ve gotten it is constantly settling. I settle with the fact that images burn into my screen. I settle with the fact that I can’t make phone calls through it. I settle with the fact that it may suddenly decide to brick on me. I settle with the fact that I have to restart it 3x a day. Finally, I settle with the fact that they’ve left without any help or guidance to solve any of these problems.

I think the thing that OnePlus doesn’t realize is the importance of establishing a good customer base. Sure, you can hype a product and sell a massive amount of crap goods and you’ll probably make a good profit from that. The problem though, is that you want repeat customers, especially in this digital age. Phones do not last long, sometimes because they become outdated, but often times because something newer and shinier comes out. You need to first of all, offer a good product. Then you need to offer good customer support to catch those people that will inevitably experience some problems. I honestly feel like you’ve dropped the ball on both fronts. You caught my eye with the promises to deliver a great phone at an affordable price and to “never settle for less,” but honestly, this is just shameful. You’ve dropped the ball. Miserably.

OnePlus, you have a lot to learn as a newcomer to the smartphone business… But I’m not sticking around with you guys as you learn.

– A very annoyed L.

Fighting~!

On a really unrelated note, I figured out how to write a blog entry on my ipad without the damned thing freaking out on me and saving after every 5 seconds (see previous post). Basically, I have to view entries, then start a new one from that window. Confusing (and unnecessary). What the heck WordPress? Get on your app! 

So, J and I had a bit of a tiff. I’ve been looking for a condo for the past year or so. So far, nothing has really come up that I liked, but the reality is that things are supposed to only get better with the drop in the economy right now. Oh, maybe I should start that. I live in a city that has built itself up on only one resource and right now, the price of that resource is plummetting and taking our economy with it. No worries, my job is mostly secure (I hope) and so is J’s. 

Anyways, back to the story. I’ve been looking for a condo for the past year or so, mostly because I need to move out. I feel like a lot of the arguments and fights I have with  my parents are because we have been in each other’s faces for the past  27 years. It’s just too much. I had been looking for a place prior to meeting J. and told him after we started dating, that I was still looking. The first time I brought it up, he was a little saddened, because I said I wanted to move in on my own first. I think he wanted to move in together. The plan had always been that I’d buy a place on my own and that he’d be free to move into it when we (I?) were ready. 

Things changed recently… I’m not sure why. A couple of days ago, I made an appointment to meet with my realtor to check out a few places that had been up on the market for about a month. From the pictures, you really can’t tell much, so I had hoped to get a view of what the place looked like. At this point, I wasn’t taking the house hunting all too seriously, because I had been sorely disappointed by the last group of houses I was shown. Nothing was really liveable. 

J. ended up coming with me to see the places and we immediately fell in love with one condo in an up-and-coming neighbourhood. It’s an infill condo in a building that was built in the 1980s. But man, it is a good price. It’s only 315,000$ and condo fees are a nice cheap 118$! I’ve never seen condo fees that low before. Anyways,  it was pretty much exactly what I had dreamed of getting for the price too! Nice new granite kitchen, big bathroom, good amount of storage, underground parking (no elevator though!), two decent sized bedrooms, etc. etc. etc. It was great! J. thought the same thign too… 

Until the next day. He started crunching the numbers and sent me a spreadsheet in the morning indicating just how expensive it would be and how, basically, I couldn’t afford it. To be honest, I was pissed at him. I was angry that he did that behind my back. I was angry at the way he talked to me … it felt like he was talking down to me and chastising me for going after a place I couldn’t afford. To me, buying a place is more than just finding a place to live. It’s more than just buying a place too. My parents had never really given me a space that was truly my own. My room? Well, I’m not allowed to lock the door and they are welcomed to come in whenever the hell they want. There have been so many incidences where my mother has walked in on me half naked (or even fully naked). This house would have been something that was my own. I can make the rules. I can cook in my own damn kitchen. I don’t have to listen to my mother scold me or nag at me about cleaning the place up (not that I wouldn’t keep it clean). It also meant responsibility and finally growing up. Finally being an adult. 

So, when J. started talking down to me like a parent talking down to a child, I guess I got pretty angry and then I got pretty upset when I realized that he was right, I couldn’t afford it. It felt like I worked so hard to be mature and to be an adult, that it didn’t seem to matter. How hard I worked at work and how much I tried didn’t matter. I wouldn’t be able to buy a decent place and it seeemd like no matter how hard I tried, I would never be able to buy a decent place. 

By the end of the day though, I calmed down. We talked about the idea of buying a place together and how with our combined incomes, it would be more than affordable. That scared me, to be honest. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because I also talked to Lily and she made it clear what she thought – you should only buy a place if you’re able to afford it on your own. A part of me agrees with her and knows where she’s coming from. It’s logical. But, the other side of me thinks, “she hasn’t been in love” and, “she doesn’t know that we are already pretty much committed to being togther.” I guess that’s a side story, but she is also starting to piss me off. She acts like she is the vestibule of all knowledge and logic, but the reality is that she isn’t. Her judgement is clouded by emotions too, just like anyone else. She likes to think that she and Maggie are always so … I dunno. Clever? Better off than others? Look, I know Lily is smart, but that doesn’t mean her life advice is always on point. Sometimes she gets it wrong. Sometimes I look at the way she treats a situation and I’m like, “damn, Lily… You really fucked that one up”. 

Yesterday, I also had dinner with Eleanor, Dianna and Priscilla after work. Eleanor got back from finishing her  PhD. so she called a meeting. I’m not sure how I feel about her either. Priscilla and I talked about it in detail when I drove her to get her car up north. We also talked about the situation with Jamnes and the house buying. See, Priscilla’s opinion and judgement on life situations… That one, I trust. Partly, because she’s experienced a lot first hand, and partly because she’s open minded and truly doesn’t judge anyone. With Lily and Maggie, all I feel is their judgement. They constantly judge other people to a standard that they hold true for their own lives. That doesn’t mean that standard applies to other people. I’m glad that they’ve found each other and that their values are so similar, but I don’t think that gives them the right to pass judgement on other people. 

Sorry, I’m getting side-tracked. Back to the original story. I talked to Priscilla last night about the J. thing. She said she didn’t think it was weird that the two of us wanted to buy a place togheter. She thought it was worth taking the risk, and I agreed with her. That’s the whole point of life… you take risks. Sometimes they don’t pan out and other times they lead you to an amazing journey or story. That’s what I want my life to be… a collection of stories. Some stories are happy and funny. Others are going to be sad. The more risks you take… the more turns your life’s journey will make and the more chances you will see some exciting stuff on the way to your destination. 

Anywayas, I think I want to take that plunge with J. I am planning to talk to him tonight about the idea of buying that place together. I think it may be a change in his original plan, but it might be a nice change. He said he’d be happy to be a home owner by the time he was 30 and that maybe it made sense  to get a starter home first. Especially if we can afford to pay it off in about 5 years time. That would give us 2 properties, potentially. I think the only thing that frightens me about this plan, is the commitment it means I have to make to him. If he were to leave, I couldn’t afford that place on my own, not unless I got a much better paying job 

While it’s easy to say that you’re committed to someone… it’s really only when you’re asked to show that commitment that it becomes … real. I feel like I do want to be with him for a long time, if not forever. I feel like we are a good match and I feel like I really do truly love him. I know he’s an amazing catch and I know that he really truly loves me without any doubts. I just worry about my doubts getting in the way of something good. I worry that I’ll let my hesitations or my desire for a fairytale (albeit unrealistic) relationship to cloud my judgement and that I’ll throw away this real relationship to chase a dream. 

Oh man. What do I do? 

– L.

Creeping

I know, I know. It’s so unusual to see me write up a post two days in a row! What a treat! I promise you, it’s really not. 

I’m not sure what the purpose of this blog is. The thing I struggle most with, is content. I’m not sure what I should be sharing here and what I shouldn’t. In some sense, I can’t seem to find my voice, as ironic as that is. Sometimes I treat this place like a journal – just for my own eyes. That resulted in the very angry and very swear-filled post regarding my lost phone (which ended up not being lost – don’t know if I ever bothered to mention that). Other times, I’m accutely aware that someone out in the big wide web might just stumble onto this little space of mine. On those days, I write more cohesively and honestly, more professionally. I use my big words on those days :). 

The reason I bring this up, is because there are some posts here that I thihnk are so well written and so defining of my character/personality, that I’d like to share them with a select few. Namely, with J. Maybe with some other friends. The problem though, is the existence of those unfiltered brain fart posts (that’s if farts swore). The other problem is that the majority of this blog is currently filled with sad, longing posts about a long lost romance. 

A part of me wants to delete the past, so that I can share this with J. Is that telling of my mindset too? Delete the memories of R to make room for J? That’s only one thought though. The other part of me, the part that is winning out now, thinks that it’s important to keep those old posts. Why? Sure, they’re hard to read and they bring back memories that I’d sometimes rather forget. However, they’re a document to the struggle and the realness of my existence. I was hurt. I was hurt badly. And, I think it shaped who I am now. 

I look back on those old posts and I sometimes think, “oh my god, if only you knew what would happen to you.” I sometimes feel sorry for her. Other times, I feel angry at her. But, overall… when I read it from start to finish, I get it. I see it. I see that it was all like steps towards the right direction. Sure you stepped in poop and maybe took a dunk in surprisingly deep puddle, but it got you where you are right now. I should be grateful for that. 

I’m not saying that right now I am where I need to be. I think I’m still growing and still moving. I’m happy that I’m in a relationship with J, but I know there’s so much more to achieve. There’s still some changes that need to happen in my life. I still need to grow up and I still need to find a job I love. I’m still not sure what I’m doing, but I’m certain that I’m closer today than I was a year ago, especially now that I have a partner to support me through it. 

So, in summation, what do I do? Should I share this with J? Should I maybe not? He caught sight of my WordPress when we set up my PC (did I mention he helped me build a PC?? He’s the best). He said, “oh, I didn’t know you had a WordPress,” and I immediately yelled, “DON’T READ IT!”. He kind of laughed and said, “okay I won’t.” 

I don’t want to hurt him with all these posts that are seemingly devoted to R. I also don’t want him to think that I was obsessed with R. (okay I may have been), or that I’d leave him for R. if I had the chance to. J., I’m telling you right now that I won’t. I’d take your hand in mine, look him straight in the eyes and tell him to EFF THE EFF OFF. I want J. to realize that yes, right now the majority of the posts are devoted to R. But that’s because he’s my past… My future posts will be filled with J. Even the posts that aren’t seemingly about J. are only there because of his presence. He’s brought a sense of peace and calmness to my life that has let me be … okay. 

I guess I’m also worried that J. will take all this stuff that I’ve written and maybe see a different side of me. Not that it’s inaccurate; these are all my words, after all. I just worry that he’ll take it out of context. For me, it’s so clear that I’ve grown. I look back at my old posts and I see growth there. But, from an outsider’s view, will they see that too? I’m not sure. I’m worried he’ll see the nasty side of me. The side of me that is angry at my friends. That swears without any restraint. That is cruel in thought. While a part of me knows he kind of figured this out already, it doesn’t mean I want him to see actual proof of my callousness. 

I don’t know. I just really want to share everything about myself with him. That’s just what I do. I don’t think it’s something that he feels comfortable doing or needs to do, but for me… it is a part of wanting to prove to someone that I love them. That I want them to know all of me and that there’s nothing I’m going to hide about myself. I don’t want him getting into a relationship with someone he thinks he doesn’t know. I want him to know upfront what he’s getting involved with. Honesty, yo, it’s the key. 

Oh WordPress, give me a sign! 

– L